Nightmares (or Adam, Age 36)
by BettyHT
Summary: As Adam's health improved after his ordeals in Italy, France, and on Devil's Island, memories began to flood his sleep causing nightmares. He needs to do something about those and his fears, but there is no easy solution to his suffering. Help comes unexpectedly from the new ramrod on the drive who is also the new foreman of the ranch. A few more surprises in the last chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Nightmares**

**Chapter 1**

Resting in the dark, humid, hot, and fetid hold, Adam could smell the rats on board. They had a peculiar odor and liked to scurry among the men shackled in the hold at night. They would nip at an unprotected toe or finger. One man had not wiped his face clean after dinner one night and was bitten on the lips for his lack of hygiene. If you slept lightly, you could feel them as they got close and then you could catch one by surprise and hopefully kill it. He felt one then. It was softly brushing against his arm as he lay there trying to sleep. He jerked up as quickly as he could and grabbed it preparing to smash his fist into it to kill it.

"Adam! Adam! Please, no! "

How could it talk? How did it know his name? Slowly, consciousness returned and Adam found himself holding Lea by the arm prepared to smash his fist into her face. The door to the room burst open, and Hoss and Ben stood there in their nightshirts. These nightmares had been happening regularly it seemed, and they didn't have time to don a robe if they wanted to help prevent Adam from committing mayhem. Soon after they entered the room, Joe was there too. Releasing Lea, Adam dropped his head. She already had a bruise on her cheek from two nights earlier, and now he could see by the lamp that Joe carried that he had bruised her arm. The marks from his hand were clearly visible.

The day before, Ben had tried to convince Adam to let Lea sleep in the room where Abel slept. The conversation had not gone well.

"She's my wife. We'll work this out together."

"Adam, you hit her yesterday. How can you put her at risk like that? What if Hoss hadn't been there to grab you? What would you have done before you realized you weren't on Devil's Island or some other hellish place you've been?"

"I'll talk with her and see what she wants to do."

"Adam, you need to tell her to sleep in the next room. She loves you so much that she won't do it on her own. She would never do anything to hurt you. Can you say the same?"

"I wouldn't hurt her."

"No, you wouldn't hit her intentionally, but with these nightmares, you put her at risk. Knowing that you could hurt her and expecting her to sleep beside you is intentionally putting her in harm's way."

"That's not fair. I can't help what's been happening."

"You could if you would listen to Doctor Martin. He wants you to start talking about what happened to you. He thinks that the more you get out, the less it will be the stuff of nightmares."

"I can't."

"You mean you won't. Adam, no one will think less of you if you tell us what happened. These nightmares are getting more frequent and worse."

"It could give Lea nightmares to know. I won't burden her with that."

"So you would rather risk her being injured by your actions than to tell her the truth. You've told me so many times how important trust is to you. How about trusting your wife? Trusting me?"

Walking away from his father then, Adam had flashbacks of all the terrible things he had endured. He had been brutally questioned by Italian police who broke both of his legs and his left arm. Fleeing the country while still in splints, Adam had been forcefully taken by the French and treated as a condemned prisoner before he ever had a trial. The trial was a sham, and he was loaded aboard a prison ship bound for French Guiana and their prison there. He ended up on Devil's Island that was surrounded by reefs and sharks. He had seen one man commit suicide by swimming out into the channel and splashing about to attract the ocean predators. The man may have regretted his action for he screamed and screamed for help as the sharks attacked, but of course, there was no help for him. A hundred yards away on the next island, French guards watched the man perish. Once assured that his life was ended and any chance for escape was gone, the guards calmly walked back to their posts. They had no sympathy for the men imprisoned on Devil's Island. With little food, insects, and tropical heat, men were expected to die slowly on that island. With the help of the American government, Lea's father Harry had secured his release. Six months after being taken by the French, Adam was freed, but his mind was still partially imprisoned in the ordeal he had survived. Home for six months, he was mostly recovered physically, but as his body regained its strength, his sleep became the generator of nightmares.

In the morning after the latest nightmare, Hoss grabbed Adam by the shoulder as he went to do his chores in the stable.

"You cain't keep doing this. It ain't right."

"You too?"

"Pa's right on this one. You need to think of Lea's safety."

"All right. I'll ask her to sleep in the room with Abel until these nightmares end. Good enough?"

"No, but it's a start. At least, Lea will be safe. I know what the doc wants you to do. Why can't you tell us or at least one of us?"

Dropping his head and rubbing the back of his neck, Adam made an admission to Hoss that he hadn't been able to give his father. "I don't know. I just can't do it. I think about doing it, but when I try, the words just won't come."

"So what will you do?"

"I'll work as hard as I can. When I go to sleep after a long hard day of work, I don't have nightmares."

"You can't do that forever."

"The nightmares won't last forever either. Memories will fade. It will get better."

Hoss had no such confidence, but he could tell Adam was done talking about that topic. The two brothers did their chores quietly at first until Hoss had another question. "You gonna help on the drive so Joe can stay here with Alice and the baby and work on their new house?"

"I was hoping to work on my new house too. Can't you and Candy handle it?"

"We could, but it would be a whole lot easier on my mind if you was along to help. I ain't ever bossed a drive before and to do it without either of my brothers along is a mite worrisome."

"Hoss, you can do this. We all know you can do it and do it well."

"Well, I wish I was as sure of myself as you are. You won't consider going with me to help out?"

"I'll talk it over with Lea. I know she'd like to be in our own home before winter."

"You help on this drive, and I'll work from sun-up to sundown to help you finish that house when we get back." Hoss had such a hopeful expression that Adam was tempted to say yes right there. Instead he nodded only.

"I said I'd talk it over with Lea. It's the best answer I have right now."

When they finished working, the two brothers went in to have breakfast. They had finished Joe's chores as well as their own because he was still spending a lot of time in the morning with his wife and new baby. Both he and Alice needed to recover from the ordeal of having Alice threatened and their house burned as well as the death of Alice's brother. Living in the main house with the rest of the family had been an adjustment as well. Alice and Joe were using Joe's old bedroom and Adam's old room next door for Joey. Adam and Lea were down the hall using the two adjoining guest rooms with Abel in the smaller of the two rooms.

At the breakfast table, Adam was somber. He saw that Lea was wearing long sleeves as usual but this time he knew those sleeves covered the bruises from his hand. He had seen them that morning as he dressed and Lea was still resting in bed. Her gown had shorter sleeves and the deep purple and blue marks had been all too visible. He knew they needed to talk, but lately that was one of the hardest things for him to do. After breakfast, he mustered up the courage and asked his father to watch Abel so that he and Lea could walk to their home building site. Everyone there knew that he needed some privacy with his wife so it was no surprise that there were no questions as to why he needed to do that. Ben was happy to watch Abel. With Joey and Abel in the house, Ben was in his glory as a grandfather. He watched with concern though as Adam walked out the front door with Lea.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

"I worry about you being gone and having these nightmares."

"Hoss will be there, and I rarely have those nightmares when I work a long hard day. Those days on the drive are long and hard too."

"Are you recovered enough to handle it?"

Bristling a bit at the question, Adam calmed himself with the acceptance of knowing that question was legitimate. Only months earlier, he couldn't walk by himself. He knew he was physically recovered, but the real question was whether he was strong enough to handle all that would be expected of him. He wasn't as sure of that as he should have been. He had been busy designing, supervising, and helping to build his house and Joe's. They were about equidistant from the main house and from each other making a rough triangle compound with a grove of trees in the center giving each home privacy but still within a short distance of the others for visiting or helping if needed. He worked long hours on some days, but that kind of labor was not at all like twelve or fourteen hours in the saddle every day on a drive. There were no real breaks, and there was no one who could ease the load. He supposed that if he was going to help on the drive, he ought to help on the roundup as well to start getting ready for a lot of riding. Lea watched him and smiled gently. He had made a decision. She could see it in his body language that she was getting better and better at reading.

"You're going."

"Yes. Hoss wouldn't ask unless he sincerely wanted me there for my help. I need to go. Is it all right with you if the house isn't finished by early December? If we get the roof on and the windows in, I could work on the interior even in the early winter. It would just be a short delay in having our own home."

"I can wait. I want things to work out for the family, but just so we don't have to wait too long. We're going to need the extra room."

"What's too long?" Seeing the shy look on Lea's face, Adam knew she had something to tell him. "Are your parents coming to visit?"

"No, well, not that I know, but maybe."

Getting a bit exasperated, Adam took Lea by the arms and pulled her to him. Looking down into her face, he suddenly knew. "We're going to have another baby?"

"Yes, I think so. It hasn't been that long and I can't be absolutely positive, but I'm late, and I feel just like I did when I first found out I was with child with Abel."

"You should see Doctor Martin."

"Why? So I can ignore his advice like you do?"

And there it was. Lea had finally challenged Adam on what had been happening. His nightmares were becoming more frequent and his reactions more violent when he awoke. He turned from her then. He was angry. He wanted so much to get away from the nightmares, and he knew he had hurt his wife twice now. But it hurt to have lost so much control over himself and now to have Lea questioning him too made him upset with himself.

"You should sleep in the room with Abel. You'll be safer there."

Now it was Lea's turn to be upset and a bit angry. "That's how you want to handle things. I know what I said probably hurt you, but I meant to help you. You want me to trust the doctor and take his advice, but you won't do it. Why won't you trust me? You can tell me anything."

For Adam, it was like reliving the conversation with his father and with Hoss. "I don't want to dump my burden on you. If I tell you the things of my nightmares, then you will have those terrible memories too. I don't know how that helps."

"You have to find a way. If you don't, it will destroy you. It could destroy us. How can we be a loving supportive family if I have to sleep in our son's room? I'm feeling awfully guilty too because this is all my fault. I don't know how you aren't still angry with me. Maybe you are. You have a right to be. If I hadn't agreed to take those letters from Mrs. Fourier, then you would never have been suspected of being a spy. You're still paying a price for my foolishness."

"We're both paying the price. Lea, I will try to do what you say, but it's very hard for me to do that. Please give me more time?"

"All right. I know that with the roundup and the drive, you probably will work so hard you'll be exhausted by the time you go to sleep. At least then you shouldn't have a bunch of these nightmares."

As they had talked, Adam and Lea had walked back to the main house and into the stable so Adam could saddle his horse to help with the roundup. Adam pulled Lea into an embrace. He closed his eyes and inhaled her scent from her hair. Her body pressed against his felt so good to him. He wished they could always be like this. Then they heard Joe call out to them as he approached the stable. "Is it all right to come in there? Pa wants me to help at the roundup, and I need my horse." Adam told Joe it was all right, and he sauntered into the stable with that all knowing grin.

"Not used to seeing you so anxious to get to work in the morning."

"Adam, ever since Joey was born, I have a different way of looking at things. The sooner I get out there and working, the sooner I can come home and spend time with him. I hate to miss anything as he seems to develop something new every day. Well, you know how it is." Suddenly Joe remembered that Adam has missed six months of Abel growing and developing. "Adam, I'm so sorry. I never meant to remind you of what you lost. I've been such a jackass about everything, but I've been trying to make it up to you. I hope you know I never meant to say something to hurt you."

"I know, Joe. I understand. I wish we could all forget those six months." Lea squeezed his hand and left as Adam began saddling up Sport.

"Adam, I don't know if I ever properly apologized for all those nasty things I said to you, and about you. I never meant any of them. I was upset for no good reason, and I let my temper rule. You're my brother, and Lea is my friend, but I didn't act much like a brother or a friend. I am sorry."

"It's all right, Joe. Say, do you ever get tired of saying you're sorry and think about not letting your temper run your mouth so you can avoid all these apologies you have to make?" The words were calculated, but the grin Adam had took the entire sting from them.

"Yeah, but then I follow your lead. Don't you ever get tired of being the smartest brother?"

"Nope, because I'm not. If I was, I wouldn't be having the problems I'm having."

"Those nightmares, huh? I know what everybody wants you to do. I think I'd have the same problem. It wouldn't seem fair to dump the burden on somebody else in the family." After a moment, Joe did have an idea. "Have you ever thought about talking it out with someone not in the family? Someone close to you, but not so close that the memories would be a problem?"

There was silence for a time until Adam could carefully word his answer. "You see, you're very smart. I thought of that, but how do you trust someone enough to talk with them and yet not have them so close to you that they would be bothered by what you tell them?"

Scratching his cheek, Joe thought about that. "Would be tough to find someone like that, I guess. Well, if I think of an answer, I'll be sure to tell you."

For a moment, Adam considered that he had just admitted to Joe something that he hadn't admitted to his father, Lea, or Hoss. He did want to tell them, but couldn't bear the thought of seeing the pain on their faces when he told them of his awful experiences. How do you tell your father or your wife of having to fight off the advances of men in that French jail? How do you tell them that you couldn't sleep most nights and had to nap during the day because you couldn't trust the men around you at all. How could he explain the emotions that nearly overwhelmed him when he was so lonely and feared he would never see his loved ones again? Most importantly, how could he tell these stories without breaking down emotionally? That was something he abhorred, and would add to his troubles instead of alleviating them. He worried that if he started crying, he wouldn't be able to stop. He couldn't let that happen. Joe watched Adam and knew he must be deep in thought so he didn't disturb him but led Cochise quietly from the stable.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

By the end of the first day of the roundup, Adam had a sore back, blisters on his hands because he forgot his gloves, and a backside that felt mostly numb. Hoss teased him as he walked stiffly to the house.

"Now you're looking more like an 'older' brother!"

"Thanks, I needed that." But the little smile told Hoss that he didn't mind. In fact, Adam liked all those times when it felt like he had never left.

"You shoulda told me you forgot your gloves. I woulda given ya some."

"I wouldn't have wanted you to suffer because of my forgetfulness."

"Oh, I wouldn't have given you my gloves, but I carry an extra pair with me cause Joe forgets his about half the time, or sometimes one of the hands ain't got theirs."

Adam stopped and put his hands on his hips. "You could have told me that earlier!"

"Well if you wasn't so hardheaded that you never said nothing about your hands blistering up, then maybe I woulda thought about them gloves in my saddlebags!"

Walking out to greet his sons, Ben was a bit concerned about how they were talking to one another. "Boys, I hope you'll get along better on the drive. Just one day of roundup together and you're at each others' throats."

There was a nearly identical "What?" from his two older sons.

"Pa, we was just joshing. You remember joshing, don't ya?" Hoss played innocent like he was prone to do.

"Pa, maybe you ought to take a seat in that rocker there. Seems like the sun might have got to you a bit today." The classic Adam smirk was in place.

"Very funny. The only son I have a problem with stands before me in a matched pair of scoundrels. Now why don't you two get cleaned up? Supper's on the table."

"Joe get back yet? He volunteered to go to town to get us some supplies we need. Seems that a few of our hands got a might too enthusiastic driving some of the cattle today, and there's a fence that needs fixin."

"Yes, I don't remember Joe being so enthusiastic about working. Can you smell it, Hoss? It's like a fresh breeze wafting over the place."

"Yes, Joe's back. I'll see you two comedians inside. Abel has been asking for you all day, Adam. You might want to hurry some."

That got Adam to hurry, and the promise of supper on the table made Hoss move quickly too. Within a short time, they were both in the house. Abel crawled as rapidly as he could when he saw his father. He had begun to walk, but when he wanted speed, he still dropped into a crawl. Adam laughed and swung him up into his arms but winced too. Lea saw it.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not, so just tell me."

"I have a few blisters on my hands. I forgot my gloves, and yes I know how foolish that was."

Ben was surprised. "Hoss, why didn't you give him the extra pair you carry?"

But Joe laughed. "Well, even older brother can make a mistake." That earned him a scowl.

"Pa, he never told me he needed any until we was unsaddling the horses. I woulda ifn he had said anything."

That surprised no one. Lea moved to take Abel who didn't want that and snuggled into Adam's neck and clung to his shirt. "Well, at least go into the kitchen so I can put some of Hop Sing's salve on them."

"After dinner. He'll want bandages too, and I'd rather eat without my hands wrapped up like a mummy." That made Abel point at Lea and elicited a chuckle from everyone.

Soon they were all at the dining table, and it was relatively quiet as Ben's hungry sons dug into dinner. Alice sat next to Joe who was on Ben's right. Lea sat next to Hoss who was on Ben's left. Adam had the opposite end of the table from his father. and Abel sat at the corner between his parents. Hop Sing looked out once and grinned. He loved to see them eating like that. He brought out another plate of food and nodded to acknowledge Hoss' grin. He liked seeing that his Mister Adam was eating with some enthusiasm too, and Abel would eat anything that his father would eat so that pleased Hop Sing as well. Finally as appetites were filled, talk turned to the two new houses being built near the main house.

"Joe, I'm going to go over the plans and add details so that you can keep on building while I'm gone. If you wouldn't mind, do you think you could supervise the building on both houses? On mine, I'm primarily concerned about the roof being finished and the windows put in. I can handle a lot of the rest when I get back from the drive."

"I can do that if you leave written instructions. I wouldn't trust my memory to so many details. This house is bigger than the first one I built, and I need your advice."

"I can work on the plans every night this week. That should give me time to do that. You should probably look them over every day to see if you have any questions."

Ben was concerned. "Adam, are you sure you're ready to work the roundup all day and then work in the evenings too especially with the drive coming up? You don't want to be exhausted before the drive even starts."

"Working on the plans isn't that difficult. I can sit in a comfortable chair at the dining table. It will help me sleep at night too." Lea looked a bit stone-faced at that so Ben assumed Adam had asked her to sleep in the bedroom with Abel. It appeared she was not at all happy with that solution, but Ben did think it was the best they could do for the time being. "On the drive, I'll be assisting Hoss and Candy, so if necessary, I'm hoping they'll give me a break."

"Why do you have to assist Hoss? He's been on plenty of drives before."

"He's never bossed one, and Candy has never been a ramrod."

"But Hoss was ramrod when you bossed the drives so why can't he advise Candy?"

"He'll be plenty busy himself. Somehow, I get the feeling you're now arguing that I should stay home."

"Well, I could use your assistance too."

"Joe, you'll do fine. The men on the building crew are experienced. If you have any questions that I don't answer before I leave, ask one of them. If it's too big a problem, I'll be back in six weeks. Nothing will likely be so urgent that it can't wait."

As everyone moved from the table, Lea told Adam that his hands couldn't wait. She ushered him into the kitchen so that Hop Sing could give her salve and some soft cloth for the blisters especially for those that had broken. Adam complained that he wouldn't be able to work on the plans and got scowls from Hop Sing and from Lea. He was quiet after that feeling he had pushed his luck as far as it would go that day. By the time Adam went up to bed, everyone else in the house was sleeping. He looked in Abel's room and saw Lea asleep in the small bed that would someday be Abel's. He stripped off his clothing and slid into bed. Exhaustion claimed him almost immediately and nightmares were held at bay. In the morning, he awoke as dawn broke. He heard Lea moving in the next room and wondered about that as he lathered up to shave. He shouldn't have wondered. She came in the room as soon as she heard him stirring and slipped into his bed as soon as she dropped her gown on the floor.

"You said I should sleep in the other room. We're not sleeping now, are we?" Her grin was infectious, and Adam had no objection to the intimacy. Ad soon as he finished shaving, he joined her in the bed. They were a bit rushed as Adam knew Hoss at least would already be up. It was intense but very pleasurable lovemaking, and Lea lay in the bed after Adam got up to dress.

"That, my lady, was an excellent way to begin the day. My compliments on your superb planning and execution of a great idea, but perhaps you would want to slip that gown on because I see a young man standing in his crib in there wondering where you are. Perhaps the next time we should close the door first?"

"Most definitely. I'm surprised you didn't think of it earlier."

"With a naked woman in my bed, I seldom can think of anything else."

"A naked woman?"

"You are the only naked woman in my bed, ever, promise." Adam walked to the bed to seal that promise with a kiss. Then he did have to get going as Hoss was undoubtedly going to tease him already about being late. He hoped Hoss would find someone to marry soon so he could retaliate. Sadly it seemed Hoss was still solo. Adam knew better than to mention anything to Lea because soon she and Joe would be planning and plotting. With a big grin, Hoss greeted him downstairs so Adam knew there was more teasing in his future.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"What happened?" Ben was astonished to see two men lifting Hoss from the wagon to carry him into the house as they carefully supported his left leg.

"We found a couple of unbranded yearlings. When one of em was down being branded, he somehow kicked his back legs free just as Hoss was gonna brand it. One leg caught him in the left leg. Adam looked at it and said it might be broken. He sent somebody for the doctor. He and Joe are staying out there to finish up."

"Pa, I don't think it's broke cause I can put my weight on it and stand. It just hurts like the dickens when I do that. But would ya mind lettin em carry me in? I'd like to get some cold packs on it as soon as I could."

Hoss' pant leg was slit open up to his thigh. Ben could see the heavy bandaging from his knee to his ankle. It made it look like the leg had already swollen a bit which made it look even more painful. Ben walked rapidly ahead of the men and opened the downstairs guest room. The two men helped Hoss to the bed, and Hop Sing was soon there with the requested cold packs. Alice and Lea were soon there with a basin of water, cloths, and bandages. After shooing the ladies out of the room, Ben and Hop Sing got Hoss into a nightshirt. Finally Hoss was able to lay back. Ben and Hop Sing piled cold packs on the leg and waited for the doctor.

Dealing with the unexpected was a fact of life in the west, but so much had happened in the previous year, that to Adam, it seemed the fates were dealing much too harshly with the family. Plans would have to be changed dramatically to accommodate this latest turn of events. Hoss wouldn't be able to leave on the drive the next day, and Adam knew he would have to boss the drive. Luckily he thought about how he and Hoss had been going over the plans for the drive for several days so he was as familiar as Hoss with the plans and the route. Understandably there was some turmoil as the new order of things had to be settled after Paul splinted Hoss' leg.

"I could go with you, Adam. You know, to help out like you were going to help Hoss."

"Adam, that sounds like a splendid idea. You and Joe don't get to spend much time together."

"Joe, thank you, but it's not necessary. Pa, Joe needs to stay here to take care of building two houses. Hoss isn't going to be able to do much with a splint on his leg and crutches. After all this time, you don't doubt my ability to boss a drive, do you?"

"No, but I thought the houses could wait, and Abel is going to miss you so much."

"Lea and I have talked about that. We want to be in our own home by Christmas if possible. Once Joe's home is done, the crew can concentrate on ours. If the roof is on, the fireplaces are in place, and the windows are done, I can do the finishing work when I get back. Abel will have to get used to me being gone at times. He'll have all of you here so he should be fine. I know we'll miss each other, but it can't be helped."

"I thought you wanted to start your architectural work this winter?"

"I did, and I guess I still do. Maybe if people see my house and Joe's, someone will offer me some work. I'll have to wait and see. I said I would help out on the ranch as needed even when I started my own businesses. I'm needed now."

Unfortunately the change in plans meant that Adam and Candy had to meet that evening to talk over responsibilities and plans. Neither wanted to start the drive tired, but both wanted to make sure they were ready too. Adam got to bed after Lea and Abel were sound asleep, and the next morning kissed Lea goodbye before dawn.

"You're leaving already. I thought we would have a little time together."

"I'm sorry. There isn't any time. We'll have the herd moving at first light. I wish I could say goodbye properly but this will have to do." He kissed her softly then. "Take care when I'm gone, and go to Pa or Hoss or Joe if you need help or advice."

"I will. You take care too. From what Hoss and Joe have said, Candy is a good man to be at your side."

"I think so too."

With that, he was gone. Lea leaned back against the small headboard and then got up to slip into the bed she had shared with Adam. She could still feel some of his residual warmth there. It would have to do. She fell back asleep.

The first day of the drive was without any trouble. They took down fences and drove the herd through. Then hands who were not on the drive put the fence back up with Joe supervising. He waved as Adam and Candy took the final count of cattle and then headed toward the front of the herd. He hoped they would get along, and that there would be no trouble. But like Lea and his father, he worried about the nightmares and if they would be a problem. He thought Candy didn't know about them because knowledge of the nightmares was held closely by the family. As far as he knew, the only non-family member who knew was Doctor Martin, and he wouldn't be telling anyone.

With only Adam gone, Joe didn't expect the family to seem so much smaller, but it did. He remembered how it had been when Adam and Lea had been gone, but the family had grown with their return with Abel. Now it seemed smaller again, and he didn't like the feeling. It gave him a better understanding of how his father felt knowing that he and Adam would move their families into new homes. Even though these homes were very close to the main house, they were still separate. Joe suddenly realized how much he missed Adam knowing he would be gone for six weeks. He had never expected to feel that way. Now that he had apologized sincerely to Adam, he knew he needed to apologize to Lea. The problem he had was that he had made such a big stink about Adam and Lea getting married behind his back that he had upset Alice. He had not realized that all that talk had made her feel like his second choice. It had taken a lot of talking and apologizing to get her to accept that he loved her first and foremost, and that his talk was the result of jealousy of Adam and not love of Lea. He needed to be careful in any encounters with Lea because he was sensitive to how Alice felt about the situation. He thought perhaps he needed some advice on how to handle the situation so he waited for a chance to talk with his father about it.

On the trail drive, things went about as they expected for the first week. Then they ran into a lot of rain and were delayed waiting to cross a river. They moved the herd but only to find fresh grass until the river they needed to cross receded enough. Normally it was no more than a wide stream, but at that moment, it was a raging torrent. Exhausted with the work every day for a week, Adam had no nightmares. He worried though about what would happen with their enforced leisure. He and Candy worked well together but hadn't talked much until they sat at the river waiting and started to talk one evening before it was time to wrap up in their bedrolls.

"You seem more like the Adam Hoss described to me than the Adam that Joe talked about."

"I can pretty much imagine what Joe had to say about me while I was gone."

"Yeah, I think he's over it now, but he was sure mad at you for a bit there. Said you stole his gal and married her."

"Sadly for him, she was never his gal. He just thought so." Adam frowned a little at the memory.

"That's because he thought any gal he smiled at was his."

"Not anymore. Alice is a wonderful lady."

"Sure is. Your wife is quite a stunner too."

"Yes, one of the many things I like about her."

"Can't see as there would be anything not to like being married to her."

A shadow passed across Adam's face then. Candy knew there was quite a story there, but he wasn't the type to pry by asking a lot of questions. He waited to see if Adam would say more and had to wait some time before any more was said. Then it surprised him.

"You ever been married?"

Caught off guard for a moment there, Candy didn't know what to say. Finally he said he had and explained what had happened.

"If you could, would you marry her?"

"In a heartbeat."

Both sat silently for a time then before turning in for the night. Just a few hours later, Candy awoke to the sounds of Adam in the throes of a nightmare. Several of the men were also awakened by the noise. Candy leaned over to wake Adam and was rewarded with a hand around his throat and a fist cocked and ready to slam into his face. Shocked by the sudden violence, Candy just held his position which was lucky for him. His lack of resistance gave Adam's consciousness time to awake.

Releasing Candy, Adam was terribly embarrassed and sorry. Candy sat back onto his bedroll and waited for the inevitable apology. When it came, he had a question.

"What the hell was that all about?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"I have violent nightmares."

"And the sun will come up in the morning. Want to tell me something that everyone here doesn't already know. I think after you were about to kill me, I deserve some sort of explanation."

"It's a long story."

"Well, I don't think I could fall back asleep at the moment, so talk away."

"I lived through some bad times."

"I saw you when you got back to the Ponderosa. I didn't know you before so I didn't realize how much weight you had lost and how pale you were. Now that I see how you look, I know you must have been through something bad. Everybody here with a brain knows that, so what happened?"

"It's not that easy to talk about it."

"Tough times never are, but it doesn't help to hold it all in, and I think you know that already." Adam was quiet. "You afraid of what people will think if you tell them what happened?"

"That's not it."

Now it was Candy's turn to think for a time. "You worried how people will see you when you're telling about being scared."

"That's not it either. Any one of us knows it's smart to be scared sometimes."

"Damn, Hoss was right. Getting you to talk is like trying to pry a turtle from its shell."

"I talk all the time."

"Yeah, about things you want to talk about. It's things other people want to know that you're holding close to the vest like you got four aces, and you don't want anyone to know. Maybe I need to make you mad. Joe says you say a lot more about what you're feeling if you get mad. He ought to know. He gets mad often enough himself."

"The stories are too painful to talk about."

"Nothing too painful to talk about. You're worried about how people will see you if you tell them what happened. We've all had troubles and cried into our beer on occasion."

"Not me. I don't do that."

"Well, maybe you ought to."

"Maybe I need to go to sleep now. I'm tired enough." Adam laid back and rolled over pulling his blanket up to his shoulders and turning his back to Candy. He heard Candy utter 'coward' under his breath but loud enough for him to hear.

The next day, the water was lower so early in the morning, Candy and Adam scouted the stream looking for a place to ford the water which was still high. Adam rode Sport across at one point and waved back to Candy to bring the herd there. He waited to make sure nothing happened that would impede the fording of the river. With these kinds of floodwaters, they had to watch out for debris floating down that could create a disaster because it wasn't unusual to see a whole tree floating by. Nothing like that happened, and the rest of the day, they made good progress. Everyone was in a better mood after dinner. They were away from the danger of the river and had worked off a lot of energy that day. As they sat and talked after dinner, Candy caught Adam completely off-guard.

"Why don't you tell us one of those stories about the friend you have who was arrest in Italy and in France and ended up on Devil's Island?"

Throwing a glare to Candy, Adam had to contend then with all of the hands around the campfire encouraging him to tell a story. He had led them in singing a few of the nights, but storytelling was even more desirable.

"Damn, you're like a bunch of girls clamoring for a story."

"If that's what it takes, Boss, then you can call us girls." Nearly everyone in the camp laughed at Buck's comment. "C'mon, Boss, we need some entertainment and a good story is about as good as it gets. I hope it's scary and gory." That statement was followed by a chorus of affirmative responses.

Boxed into a corner by Candy's request, Adam had little choice. He started with Devil's Island. In some ways, it was the worst part of the story but the easiest to tell for many reasons.

"Well, Abel got dragged off the ship in French Guiana. Being an American made things worse for him. Everyone could tell by his accent and his slow speech that French was a struggle for him. He had shackles on his ankles and wrists with a chain connecting the two. Even if he was stupid enough to strike back when he was hit, he knew it would only lead to more of a beating."

"How'd he know that?" Buck wanted more details because the story was going too fast for him. The others murmured that they would like to know too.

"Because he was a proud man and had tried to resist. Resistance was futile. It only led to more pain. You can't fight back against clubs especially when your hands and arms are held to your waist. They liked especially to aim for the privates when they first hit you. With the way the shackles were set up, Abel could never protect himself there and they knew it. They also knew it would double him over and might even make him fall and puke his guts out. And yes, that's what happened to Abel the first time he tried to fight back."

When Adam mentioned being clubbed in the genitals, a number of the men cringed and almost reflexively covered themselves protectively. Adam had to smile when he saw that. It helped him to tell the rest of the story.

"There's a gondola suspended from heavy rope that carries you over to Devil's Island."

"What's a gondola?"

"Ah, kinda like a covered wagon but the wheels are on top and run over a rope, and it hangs from the wheels instead of sitting on top of them." Adam waited to see if the explanation was sufficient. It appeared that it was so he continued. "There are three islands in their prison there but the reefs around Devil's Island were so dangerous that they didn't want to risk any more guards being hurt or killed. If a boat floundered on one of the reefs, the men in it would likely be eaten by sharks."

"Did you ever see that happen to anyone?" It seemed Buck was going to be the one with the questions for the whole group. Adam didn't even notice at this point that he had said 'you' instead of Abel.

"Not to any of the guards and Abel really wished he could see that. No, it was very bad trying to stay alive on the island. Abel's father had always told him that where there was life, there was hope. Abel was having a tough time believing that. There never was enough food. Men fought with each other to get the food that was rationed out. Some got more than others but it was never enough. Men scrounged around the island looking for food, but it was a hardscrabble island and with the heat and humidity, there was seldom anything to eat. One man started gardening by taking the seeds of some of the fresh food and planting them. He ate everything just like Abel did, but when he had to shit, he sorted through to find the seeds. He rarely got to eat anything he grew because other inmates raided his garden regularly regardless of where he planted it. Finally he had enough. He had been on the island for years. Most of his teeth had rotted and fallen out or been pulled. He looked like a skeleton with skin stretched across it. One day he waded into the water and swam out to the reef. It probably took all of the energy he had. The waves must have washed him against some of the coral and cut him because soon there were sharks circling. Then they attacked and pulled him under. That would have been bad enough, but it didn't end there. He managed to get to the surface again. He raised the stump of one arm with blood spraying into the air, and he screamed the most God awful scream anyone could imagine. Then he screamed for help before there was a whirl of fins around him and he was dragged under again. There was a red circle in the water for the longest time. The guards who had been watching from the other island left then. Later small parts of him washed ashore."

"Did you all bury what was left of him?" Buck's eyes were wide open at that point as were everyone else's.

"No, some of the men took the small parts and cooked them up and ate them. Abel nearly ran to get to the other side of the island before he puked out the small amount of food he had eaten that morning."

After a moment of silence, there was a question. "Was that the worst thing Abel ever saw?" Buck looked hopeful. Adam said 'yes' and there was an audible sigh of relief from his audience. "What other stuff happened there?"

"It's late. We have weeks left on the drive so there are lots of other nights for the stuff of nightmares."

The men agreed and retired to their bedrolls. Adam lay back on his. When he turned to look at Candy, his ramrod was smiling. "That wasn't so hard, now was it?"

"I should have just kicked you in the privates when you told me to tell a story about all of that."

"C'mon, you gotta admit it feels better to have part of it out there. Now you don't have to carry that one around. Who's Abel, by the way?"

"Abel was my grandfather's name."

"Kinda funny."

"What's funny?"

"You got the name of the first man, and your grandfather was named for his son. Just kinda funny."

"Well, you're up on your Bible teaching then. Good thing for you because if you ever set me up again like you did tonight, you're going to need every prayer you've ever read in there."

"Gotcha, Boss." But Candy was grinning as he rolled over to sleep. It had worked just like Hoss had said it would.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

On the Ponderosa, Ben and the family waited for word from the drive. Once clear of the mountain passes, Adam should send a telegram. It would be an easy drive after that barring some storms or other unexpected problems. The known problems tended to occur in the mountain passes and valleys. Once they were on the western slope of the Sierras, things should have gotten a lot better. It was with great relief then when Ben was in town to be hailed by the telegraph clerk. He had a telegram from Adam.

"All's well. No losses. On to Sac. Your little plan worked too. I won't forget it. Adam."

Ben smiled and frowned at the same time. He didn't know whether Adam was angry or grateful. Knowing his son as well as he did, he suspected Adam had written the message just that way for that very reason. He wouldn't want them to know too much. However he did have good news to report so as soon as he finished his errands, he pushed Buck to take him home as fast as he would. When Buck trotted into the yard sweated up from the trek, both Joe and Hoss looked up from their work. They were fashioning iron pieces into fireplace tools for the new houses. Hoss had tossed the splints as soon as word came that Adam and Candy were well away on the drive and had been busy at work helping Joe with construction.

"Is there a problem, Pa? Don't usually see Buck so sweated up after you've been riding."

"Hoss, I got a telegram from Adam. All's well. They're on their way to the stockyards in Sacramento."

"Hot diggity, that's gotta help him get back to himself."

"Pa, did he say anything else?"

"Joe, he said 'Your little plan worked too. I won't forget it.' He seems to think I masterminded the whole thing. You and Hoss are going to need to tell him it was your plan. I know I thought it was a good one when you told me what you wanted to do, but the two of you did it all. Now you need to tell Lea what you did so she's ready to talk with Adam when he gets back."

"Now, Pa, you did play along with that broken leg thing we did. Adam would never a bought into our plan without you looking all worried and such."

"All right, we need to tell Lea what we did. You two still did all the planning."

Both Hoss and Joe had tried to wave their father off from the conversation but he was so intent looking at the telegram that he never saw them.

"What did you do? What planning do you need to tell me?" Lea had walked up behind Ben without him hearing her.

Ben whirled around but looked back to give his sons a withering glare. "Lea, you walk as quietly as Adam. The two of you are certainly a matched set."

"Don't change the subject. What do you need to tell me?"

Ben turned and with a flourish, handed off the question to his sons. Joe looked at Hoss who looked at him. "You're the older brother here. You should take charge. Be a leader. You know, now that Adam isn't here, it's really your job to be the wiser, smarter, older brother."

Hoss didn't know whether to thank Joe or toss him into the water trough. Instead he looked at Lea who was waiting impatiently. "Well, ya see, Joe and me was talking about Adam and those nightmares of his. Now he won't do like the doc says and talk about em cause he said he didn't want to create, you know, pain in the people closest to him. He said it would hurt you the most to tell you what happened, and so he couldn't do that at all. He couldn't tell me or me or Joe neither. He did say he needed somebody close enough for him to trust but not so close that they would feel pain hearing what happened to him." Lea raised her hands like Adam did when he wanted the rest of the story and then she put her hands on her hips just like he did when he was exasperated. "Now, Lea, that's darn cute what you're doing there. It looks just like what Adam does."

"Hoss, stop stalling and tell me what you all did."

"Well, Lea, it really was mostly Hoss' idea, and he got Candy and Pa to agree to help too." That earned Joe a scowl from Hoss, which made Joe grin a bit sheepishly.

"All right, Lea, you know we cooked up the injured leg thing so that Adam would go on the drive with Candy and without me."

"Yes, I thought you told me you did that so that you could work on our house for him, and because he was a lot better at bossing a drive than you were seeing as how he had done it so many times already?"

Hoss gulped and continued with his admissions. "Well, I might have left a few things out of that explanation. You see, I asked Candy to help. I figured if Adam and Candy had to work together on the drive, they'd get to liking each other a lot, so that way Candy could help Adam."

"Help? How?"

"Well Adam said he ifn he was gonna talk about what happened, he needed to talk to somebody who was close enough to listen but not so close that they would be bothered by what they was hearing. I figured Candy fit the bill as good as anybody. He was gonna get Adam to admit he was having nightmares, and then he was gonna try to get Adam to tell what he went through but say it was a friend." Lea was staring at Hoss and making him nervous. "I figured if he could just start talking, he would be able to tell more and more cause on a drive, men really like some entertainment in the evening, so ifn he told one story, they'd be begging for more. All Candy had to do was to get him started. You know how good Adam is at telling a story. He makes all these faces and gestures, and his voice goes up and down and changes. Heck, he coulda been an actor, he's so good at it."

There was silence for a moment, and then Lea rushed at Hoss. He wasn't sure what to expect and cringed a bit, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss on each cheek. "Oh, thank you, Hoss. You are so wise and wonderful. At least somebody in the family understands Adam that well. And I need to thank Candy when he gets back too. You said he's finally talking?"

"Yea, he's gotta be. It says in the telegram that the little plan worked so he knows what we did, and it's working. I hope he ain't gonna be mad about how I tricked him."

"Hoss, he won't be. He'll know you did it because you love him. Thank you, thank you." And Hoss got another big hug before Lea went back to the house to see if Abel was awake from his nap.

"You coulda told her it was half my idea too."

"Nope. You told her it was my idea. I wasn't gonna make her think you was a liar. Them was sure some nice kisses though, wasn't they, Pa. She's happy, and if she's happy, then I bet Adam's gonna be happy too."

On the drive, Adam was relaxing more. He had only two nightmares during the drive. One was the night he nearly smashed his fist into Candy, and another one happened about a week later. After that one, he told the story that had been bothering him the most. It was the cold, calculating way the Italian policia had broken his legs and his left arm. "They came to Abel's rented villa and arrested him. The rough treatment he got on the way to the police station told him more than anything that he was unlikely to survive his imprisonment at their hands."

"What did they do?" Buck as usual was the spokesman who asked the questions for the group.

"Abel was hit, kicked, spit on, and tripped until his hands and knees were badly scraped, and he had bruises over a good portion of his body. They hit him everywhere except in the head and face. They needed him to be coherent. They shoved and kicked him into the police station where they proceeded to question him. They tried to get him to speak French but he was hesitant and obviously was not fluent enough in that language. They found someone who spoke excellent English, and he put the questions to Abel. They did not like his answers as he claimed ignorance of all that they asked him. Finally they got very angry. They placed a block of wood behind Abel's knees. It went from the top of his calf all the way to his butt. Forced to sit there, they held his arms and upper legs and questioned him again with all the same questions threatening repeatedly to smash a foot down on the exposed lower part of his legs if he didn't give them satisfactory answers. He couldn't answer their questions because he had not done what they thought he had done."

"So what did they do?"

"They held Abel very tightly and made him look at his own legs. Then one of the men stepped forward and smashed his boot down on his ankle. He could hear the bones break even before the pain reached his head. It was like a small explosion. For several minutes, Abel could hardly breathe much less talk. They kept shouting questions, but it was all he could do to not pass out. As Abel was able to regain his control over his mind by pushing the pain down as well as he could. He felt them position the other leg. The police officers were in a dangerous state of mind because it seemed they had forgotten the purpose of their actions and were only intent on the torture. Hearing your own bones break is like being your own ghost. You know it's your leg bones that broke and you know it's your screams that everyone is hearing, but it seems like it must be another person. You ask them to stop but all they do is laugh. Some men enjoy inflicting pain, and these men were like that. They pulled Abel's face around to make him look at his legs. One foot and ankle dangled at a weird angle. He did his best to pull his other leg away from them but he couldn't fight them. After they did the same to his other leg, Abel began to think that he would die in a condition much like a jellyfish with no bones supporting his flesh. He would be a glob of humanity instead of a man."

"What's a jellyfish?"

"It's a fish without bones."

"Well, how can it swim then?"

"It doesn't. It floats on the water with poisonous tentacles hanging down which it uses to catch its food." There was chorus of ahs to that so Adam could continue. "Abel resolved that the last thing he wanted to do was to give these many any satisfaction for their actions. He retreated in his mind to another place, another world. He thought of his wife heavy with child and how he would leave something that he had done in the world when he left. When they broke his left arm, they apparently were disappointed with his reaction. There were no screams that time and no convulsive movements. They didn't get to see his body jerk with the pain and then jerk again when that caused even more pain. Abel waited for the next few actions thinking they would soon end his life when suddenly all but one of the men was ordered from the room only to return in a short time with a stretcher. He was lifted and placed on the stretcher and the pain was horrendous. He yearned for unconsciousness to escape it, but it wouldn't come. He lay on that stretcher as if he was dead, but pain streaked through his body like heat lightning. His wife and a lawyer had gotten him released and within a few hours, his legs and his arm were splinted. There was some relief for the pain but not much. As he suffered, he wondered what it was that had caused the police to accuse him of being a spy. Then the lawyer came to him and told him what his wife had done to get him in that predicament."

"What did she do?"

"When they were still in France, Abel's wife had agreed to carry some letters from a woman there to several people in Italy which was their next destination. She had no idea that the woman was a spy and that she was contacting other spies in Italy. She was far too honest and too trusting. She never told Abel what she was doing because she did not think it was anything important. It was. It changed their lives forever."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

From Adam's previous stories, all the men on the drive knew the story of Abel being in imprisoned in France, his trial, his trip to Devil's Island, and a number of stories of his time on Devil's Island. After hearing about the torture in the Italian jail, the most important parts of the story were out there. The drovers seemed to know that the stories were really about Adam but kept to the pretext that it was his friend. Adam knew they knew, but the ability to tell the story as if it happened to someone else made it easier for him. The more he talked, the easier it was to talk. The next day was the end of the drive and Adam had not had any nightmares for two weeks. They were only hours from Sacramento and the stockyards where they were to deliver the cattle. There was a camaraderie among the drovers that was unusual. The nightly sessions around the campfire with singing or with stories had melded these twelve men into a cohesive unit.

That last night, Adam was thinking that the next story might be about The Three Musketeers. He thought the men would enjoy that story by Dumas. He didn't want to tell any more stories aobut himself because all that was left were things that were too personal. He was grateful to Candy for all he had done and who had turned out to be an excellent manager of men as ramrod. Adam was also looking forward to him returning home as the new ranch foreman. Of course, foremost in his mind was seeing Lea and Abel again. When they reached the stockyards the following day, business was conducted in the usual manner. Adam left the men to go to the bank as they headed to the nearest saloon. The town was crowded though, and Candy asked the men if they would rather have just one drink before heading to the next town where there wouldn't be so much competition for dances with the saloon girls and a better chance at finding a friendly poker game or an honest house faro game. By the time Adam got to the saloon to buy the usual first round, the men were all ready to leave.

"Boss, we decided we would rather start back and do our celebrating in the next town if you don't mind. It's so crowded here right now, we couldn't get hotel rooms anyway and there's a wait for everything."

"Sounds good to me. We've got almost eight hours of daylight left. We should be able to make Roseville. Let's go."

As Adam and Candy led the drovers into Roseville later that afternoon, Adam thought he spied a familiar figure coming from the bank. He rode over and had his suspicions confirmed. "Hello, Katherine. I'm very happy to see you."

"Well, Adam Cartwright, I'm so glad you said something. You hardly look like yourself. Certainly I never would have recognized you without that golden baritone voice you have."

"We finished a cattle drive to Sacramento. It was so crowded there that we decided to come here for a little entertainment. Then we'll be pushing for home. I certainly would like to visit with you this evening if you have no other commitments."

"I don't, and a visit would be splendid. That restaurant across the street there serves very tasty food. I'm sure you would enjoy it after eating out on the trail."

"That sounds wonderful. I need to buy the first round for the men, and then I'll get a bath and change into some clean clothing. Would seven be all right?"

"I would be delighted to meet you for dinner at seven. There must be all sorts of news we can share with each other."

Nodding politely, Adam turned to Candy and the others who were wondering. He explained as they rode down the street. "Katherine Saunders is an old friend of the family. I thought at one point that Pa would marry her. There was kind of a family tragedy when her son Eden was killed, and Katherine decided to leave. I haven't seen her since. Now, let's head in here so I can buy all of you a drink. Bourbon or beer?"

As usual, Buck was the first to respond. "How about one of each? The beer to quench the thirst, and then the whisky for that warm glow."

"Buck, you have the soul of a cowboy poet. All right, a beer and a bourbon for each."

The men enjoyed their drinks and then Adam asked for change for the money he had put on the bar to pay for the round. The bartender offered him tokens.

"No, I'm not staying so those are no good to me. I want the money instead."

It was at about that moment that Roseville's brand new sheriff walked into the saloon. He had seen the trailhands ride in. He had been elected with the promise of keeping order. He usually made an example of one member of any new group in town like this one to keep the others in line. He decided on entering the saloon that the tall dark one demanding money from the bartender was going to be the one. Adam was still shouting over the din in the saloon and the bartender was shouting back that it would take a moment to get him his change. That didn't happen because the sheriff drew his pistol and shoved it in Adam's back.

"You're under arrest."

Looking back to see who had poked a pistol up next to his spine, Adam was surprised to see a sheriff and even more surprised at what he said. "There must be some mistake. You must have taken me for someone else."

"No, you're the one I want. Now just come along peaceable, and your friends can enjoy themselves as long as they don't get into any altercation like you did."

Candy stepped up to the pair. "What's he being arrested for?"

"Mayhem! I aim to keep order here, and I can't have men like him stirring things up. Now move aside unless you want to join him in a cell."

There could have been a fight, but Adam was quick to forestall that. "Candy, meet the lady in the restaurant across the street from here. She'll know what to do."

Candy had to wait at the restaurant for Katherine. After about an hour and a half, she arrived surprised to see him and not Adam. He told her what had happened, and she took his arm and asked him to walk with her to the sheriff's office. Once there, the fireworks started.

"Sheriff, do you have any idea who you arrested on that ridiculous charge?"

"One saddle tramp looks about the same as any other. I'm doing the job I was paid to do to keep the peace. He was yelling in the saloon and creating a disturbance."

Candy couldn't hold back then. "He was yelling because it was the only way to be heard over the noise in there. Everybody was yelling."

"You just settle down, mister, or you'll join your buddy in there."

"He's my boss."

"Well you oughta pick a better man to work for than that dirty excuse for a boss."

"Sheriff, these men have just concluded a cattle drive to Sacramento. One would not expect them to look like they had been lounging in a town or loafing about. They brought three thousand cattle over the Sierras. One would expect some trail grime from such a journey. But you still haven't answered my question. Do you know who it is that you arrested?" The sheriff had no answer. "That's Adam Cartwright of the Ponderosa Ranch in Nevada. I suggest you release him immediately."

One of the deputies immediately looked to the sheriff. "Maybe you oughta do what she says, Sheriff."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because if you don't, I'm going to go wire the governor's office. Adam is well known to the governor. I'm sure by tomorrow morning, he would have someone here to investigate you and what you have been doing."

The sheriff looked at his deputies who nodded. Unlike the sheriff, they knew who Adam Cartwright was although they had not recognized him because none of them had ever seen him in person before. "Well, I suppose I could reduce the charge to disturbing the peace, and let him go with a small fine."

"No, sheriff, I think you will release him with an apology."

"Now, I can't do that. People got to respect the sheriff."

Katherine and Candy said nothing and let the sheriff think about his situation.

"All right. No wires to the governor's office and I let him go with my apology."

"Very good, Sheriff. Now; please?"

Looking at one of the deputies, the sheriff barked. "Well, go get him." His apology was less than sincere so Adam mostly ignored him when he walked out to the front office. He apologized to Katherine for being late to dinner and still needing a bath and clean clothing. She told him she would go to the restaurant and order if he could hurry and be there by eight. He grinned and agreed. He handed Candy some extra cash and told him to buy another round in the saloon but to get the drovers out of there and off to their rooms before anyone got so drunk that they might end up in jail. A round to buy their cooperation was likely to be cheaper than bailing them out of jail in this town.

An hour later, Adam appeared at the restaurant and saw Katherine at a table. He moved quickly to her side and took her hand and kissed it. Then he pulled out a chair and sat.

"My, I had forgotten how well you clean up. We better talk fast because it looks like a few young ladies would like to make your acquaintance."

"I'm not interested."

"Oh, since when is Adam Cartwright not interested in pretty women?"

"Since Adam Cartwright got married." Katherine's look of astonishment delighted Adam who proceeded to tell her about Lea, his son Abel, and a significantly abbreviated story of his troubles too. He surprised himself with the ease he had in telling even that much of the story to Katherine. Then she asked if there were any other changes in the family so Adam surprised her again with news of Joe's marriage and fatherhood.

"Now, I am delighted to hear that you and Joseph are married and have children. Ben must be so pleased. I am surprised though. I always thought Hoss would be the one to marry first. He just seems more like a man who would like a wife and children." Adam arched an eyebrow at her. "Not that I mean that you and Joseph wouldn't make very good husbands and great fathers, it's just that the two of you seemed more willing to sample the benefits of a lady's company rather than buy into the whole package."

"Still quite good at diplomacy, aren't you. Now I've told you the changes in my family. What about you? How has your life been since you left?"

Sighing deeply, Katherine raised her eyes to look into Adam's directly. "Lonely. I have a small business here, and I live a comfortable life, but it's lonely. I haven't made any friends here that are near the friendships I had in Virginia City. It's a different kind of life here. People don't need each other as much, and it shows in their relationships. I do miss Virginia City."

"Come for a visit. Joe and Alice will be moving into their new home in a short time. Come stay on the Ponderosa. I know Pa would love it. We would all love to have you there." Adam could see how indecisive she was so he knew that in her heart, she wanted to come. "I could send my horse back with the men and travel with you. Would that help you make your decision?"

"Oh, Adam, it does help, but the way I left things with your father. Do you think that opening that all up again would be wise?"

"You left with a lot unresolved between you as I understand it. How better to deal with it than by coming to visit now when it isn't all so new and raw. You've both had time to step back and take a look at things. Why not come for a visit and see what happens?"

"Yes, I would love to talk with Ben when there were no other things to consider or interfere. But I'm still not sure."

"What else could stop you from visiting?"

"Well, there is one other complication. I took a young woman under my wing here. She was working in the saloons and just wasn't suited for that kind of work. If I leave, I fear she'll have no way to support herself again and could turn back to that in desperation."

"Invite her to come with you. It would be even more respectable too for you to have a lady as your traveling companion if you think it would work. You know she would love the Ponderosa. It would be a vacation for both of you." He knew she wanted to say yes. There was only one other obstacle to consider so he took care of that too. "I'll buy a pair of tickets for you in the morning with a hotel reservation for the layover in Placerville. Will that work for you?"

As the other patrons as well as the staff watched, the most proper Mrs. Saunders stood suddenly and kissed the young man at her table. Both of them left smiling with those in the restaurant wondering what they had just witnessed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

About a week later, Adam and the drovers were approaching the Ponderosa. Adam had been anxious to get home. He was missing his wife and son, and worries about them finally got to him. He needed to see them and make sure they were all right. As the men neared the Ponderosa, there was a lot of teasing of Adam. He took most of it rather well mostly because his focus was on getting home. By some of the comments, he suspected that Candy had made a bet with some of the men. He wondered what it was and sincerely hoped it had nothing to do with all the stories he had told. Then he thought about it and realized Candy would never do anything like that. As they rode into the yard of the Ponderosa, Ben and Joe came out of the house and Hoss came out of the stable. They had been expecting them back and everyone had stayed close to the house to greet them when they got there. Lea rushed out after handing Abel off to Alice who was sitting by the fireplace.

"Adam, oh my God, I missed you so much." As Adam swung down off his horse, he was wrapped in his wife's embrace and she kissed him soundly. It was all he could have wanted so he kissed her back just as thoroughly while pulling her to him. As they released each other, Adam saw several of the men handing money over to Candy.

"What was the bet?"

"Five of the guys said she wouldn't kiss you first thing because you smell like horses and cattle and a week on the trail."

"And the other seven?"

"Boss, we knew it was a sucker bet. I got better things to throw away my money for, ifn ya know what I mean."

"That I do, Buck. Thank you all for everything."

A chorus of thank you flowed out from the group of men as they headed to the stables to take care of their horses. Adam's father and brothers waited for Adam to say something. They didn't have to wait long. "Thank all of you too for picking Candy for ramrod. He's a good man. He'll make a good foreman."

"That's it? That's all you got to say?"

"Yes, Joe. Were you expecting something else? Oh, wait, there is one other thing. Pa, I met Katherine Saunders in Roseville. I invited her and she's coming for a visit. She and a traveling companion, a young woman I haven't met, should be here by Friday. I hope the downstairs guest room is open now that Hoss is fully recovered." Hoss got a look then to let him know Adam knew about the ruse with the leg injury. "I know it's a surprise, but I hope it's a good one."

Ben accepted that without much comment as his mind was on other things. Adam was enjoying how sheepish his family looked. His father and brothers were as nervous as a young man meeting the father of the girl he would like to court. He thought it might be fun to let them dangle a bit longer so he asked if one of them could please take care of Sport so that he could see Abel and then take a bath. Hoss jumped at the chance to do it so Adam had a better idea of who had instigated the plan that Candy had implemented. He and Candy had become friends on the drive, but he had no doubt that the friendship that developed was not why Candy had been so intent on helping him talk about what had been troubling him. He also knew a lot more about him than expected so someone had prepped him well. Hoss' reaction as well as the kindness of the approach led Adam to believe that Hoss was the wise soul behind the plan. He meant to talk to him about it at some point.

With his arm around Lea's shoulders and her arm around Adam's waist, the couple walked to the house. Inside, Abel was sitting on Alice's lap. Adam walked directly to the settee.

"Abel, I am so glad to see you, big boy. Want to come to Papa?"

Abel turned his head and looked away. When Lea came closer, he put his arms out to be taken by her. Adam was concerned.

"He didn't forget me while I was gone, did he?"

Hop Sing was coming out from the kitchen with a plate of cookies, milk, and coffee. "No, he mad. He have temper like father. He mad his father gone long time."

"He did cry for you a lot when you were gone. He said 'Papa, Papa' a lot. I'm sure he missed you a great deal."

"Abel, I missed you a lot. I'm sorry I was gone from you for so long. Do you want Papa to go away again?" That struck a chord, and Abel immediately put his arms out for Adam to take him. When he did, Abel buried his head against Adam's neck and wrapped his arms tightly around his neck too. "Maybe I should have had my bath and shaved first. He could be difficult to remove now. It's not that easy to breathe either." That only got worse when Lea tried to take Abel from Adam so he could go to the washroom. "Abel, Papa needs a bath. How about if you come to the washroom with me?" Abel leaned back and release one arm enough to point toward the kitchen door before he relaxed against Adam's shoulder. "I guess we all go to the washroom."

"Why do I have to go?"

"You can scrub my back and then talk to me while I shave. I'd like to do more but our pint-sized chaperone will be there."

"I'll get some clean clothes and meet you there. I'll bring something dry for Abel to wear too because I think he'll want to get in the tub with you."

By the time Lea got back with clean clothes, Adam was sitting in the tub relaxing in the warm soapy water with Abel on his chest slapping the water and splashing. When she entered the washroom, she sat on the bench by the wall and watched them. She couldn't help but smile seeing the man she loved so much holding their dear son who loved splashing water whenever he had the chance. Adam soaped his hands and washed his son before asking Lea to wash his back. She volunteered to wash his hair too so he held Abel and let her take care of those things. All the stiffness and soreness from six weeks on the trail began to disappear under her massage of his back when she scrubbed him gently and then the massage of his scalp as she washed his hair. Finally she used her soapy hands to slide around his neck and down his chest. Finally she poured some warm clean water over his head to rinse his hair, chest, and back of suds. Abel knew that was the end of the bath so he raised his arms to be picked up. Lea took him as Adam stood and stepped from the tub.

After he toweled dry and put on his pants, it was time to shave. He lathered up his face and Abel wanted that too so he lathered up his face. Then he began to shave. Abel wanted the razor but that wasn't going to happen. Adam used his finger to pull the lather from his son's face in a mock shave. Abel laughed and pointed when Adam shaved then apparently thinking the two of them were doing the same thing. There was a lot more time for the three of them together until it was time for Abel to go to bed. Adam told everyone he was going to bed as well and followed Lea and Abel up the stairs. Adam waited in bed for Lea to join him.

"You know your brothers were snickering when you came up the stairs."

"Doesn't matter. I've been dreaming about doing some things for over six weeks, and now I have the opportunity." So Adam began to do those things finding Lea was a willing participant. When they finished and lay in each other's arms, Lea twirled her fingers in his chest hair damp with perspiration from his exertions.

"Do you still have nightmares?"

"I had two on the drive but none for weeks. Hoss' plan worked very well, and Candy's technique for managing me was excellent."

"You don't mind?"

"I wanted to be upset with them. I wanted to be the wronged party especially when I realized that the men knew that the stories I was telling were actually parts of my story. But it felt right. It made me relax to be able to say some of those things. Now that the worst experiences are out there, it seems I don't have those demons chasing around in my mind at night."

"Did you tell them everything?"

The pause in the conversation told Lea the answer before Adam verbalized it. "No. Some things are just too personal. I thought it might even make the men uncomfortable to talk about a few of the things that happened. But I told them all the gruesome stuff that caused the nightmares, I think, so that problem is solved."

"What about the rest?"

"I don't know. Maybe I can just push those memories down and forget them. I have forgotten a lot about the past. I've been shot several times, and I have to say, I don't actually remember the pain. I know I must have had a lot of it each time, but somehow that part of the memory is gone. Maybe the painful parts of my memories of those six months will disappear the same way."

"I hope so. I'll pray that it's true."

Pulling Lea close and closing his eyes, Adam didn't say it, but he was thinking the same thing. The next morning, Adam and Lea were awake early but were still late to breakfast. After they had made love in the morning, and then gotten Abel up and dressed, Adam and Lea had sat on the bed with their son enjoying being a normal family.

"Do you think the men who heard your stories are going to blame me for what happened?"

"I think men out here think that what happens between a man and a woman is that man's business and no one else's."

"Isn't it the woman's business too?"

"You asked me what the men would think. I told you how they would likely think. You can't live on a ranch with almost all men and expect them to be thinking about things like that. Most women out here wouldn't ask that question either. If you're worried about how they'll act toward you, don't. They'll follow my lead. If I'm good with it, they will be too. Now you know I've forgiven you, and we've come to an understanding about all of that, so, are we good?"

"I still feel a bit guilty, I guess, but we're not just good. We're great." Lea picked Abel up then as he began to fuss. "He's hungry. We should go down to breakfast."

Breakfast was excellent as Hop Sing had prepared Adam's favorites to celebrate his return home after a successful drive. Ben was uncharacteristically quiet, and Joe waited for Adam to fill his plate before he began summarizing all that had been done constructing the two houses while Adam was gone. "My house is done except for moving in. We hoped you would be here for that so today or tomorrow, we can pack everything up and move. Your house has all the doors and windows in, we got the kitchen and washroom stoves in to except for the stovepipes, the roof is solid, and the fireplace is ready. Hoss supervised most of the work there so that's why I was able to get my house done. By the way, Hoss is real jealous of that big tub you put in your water closet. He says he's never seen one that big."

"Where is Hoss? I thought I'd see him at breakfast."

"He ate as fast as he could and then headed outside."

"Thank you, Joe, for all the work you did. I want to go over and take a tour as soon as I can, but first I want to talk to Hoss."

"I think that's what he's worried about."

Adam grinned, finished his breakfast quickly, and then excused himself to go find his big brother. He walked as quietly as he could as he neared the stable. He was sure he could hear Hoss talking but was having trouble making out the words. He wondered if he was talking with Candy when he understood some of it, but then realized that Hoss was talking to Chubb as he groomed him.

"He's just gotta know I would never do anything on purpose to hurt him. It was what I thought he needed, so I did it, but he didn't say nothing about it yesterday, so I'm worried that he's mad at me. I guess I could take that all right long as he's feeling better and not having those darn nightmares. They ain't no good for him and no good for Lea and him either. He sure does love that gal. She understands. I just wish Adam did."

Hoss felt a tap on his shoulder and nearly jumped back when he saw it was Adam. But he saw the glistening eyes, and before he could say or do anything, Adam hugged him. Hoss was so relieved and then so happy, he hugged him back until Adam croaked out a few words.

"Hoss, you just said you would never hurt me intentionally. I got a few ribs about to pop if you don't let me go."

Releasing his older brother, Hoss was grinning. "So it worked, and you ain't mad at me neither?"

"It worked, and I wanted to be mad at you, but I couldn't. I got arrested in Roseville. I worried as we walked to the jail. I wondered how I would feel when I saw those bars and that door clanged shut behind me. I was all right. I had to breathe deeply for a while, but I didn't panic. I knew I was in California and that I had friends who would help me."

"What did ya get arrested for?"

"Sheriff wanted to make an example of me to keep everyone in line. You should have heard Katherine lay into him. She's more feisty than I thought."

"So you're all back to yourself again and don't hold it against me at all."

"Well, I don't like being manipulated like that, but I guess this one time, it was all right. You picked a good man to handle me too. I like Candy. We worked well together too. He knows when to follow orders, and when he needs to offer his opinion."

"He's pretty smart. He likes chess too. He's been teaching me more while you was gone. We got a game going all the time so I was looking forward to him getting back. I do better when I got more time to think about what to do."

"I'd like to play him sometime. Sounds like he's got a good way of teaching. Doesn't surprise me. And you're pretty smart, yourself, and don't ever forget it. You're the one who figured out what I needed and got it done. Thank you, and don't ever do anything like that again."

Hoss smiled and then frowned. He wasn't exactly sure what Adam meant by that, but then he shook his head as Adam walked back to the house. That was the way Adam liked it. Adam didn't feel comfortable when people thought they knew what he was thinking. He had let his guard down a little with Hoss but then put it back up just as strong as ever.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

As Adam, Joe, and their wives and children prepared to head to the two new houses for tours, Ben was invited to join them but declined. As Adam and Joe walked to Joe's new house, Adam asked about that.

"Pa's been kinda like that every time I bring up the new houses. I'm glad you invited Katherine. I think it will be good for him to have somebody here to show everything. Maybe then he'll come see our houses."

"He never saw them at all when I was gone?"

"Nope. Hoss and me asked him a bunch of times to take a look and give us an opinion, and he always said no, that it would be better to wait for you and ask you what you thought."

And Adam knew that there was one more big talk he had to have. He and his father needed to talk some things over and probably before Katherine visited. For the rest of the day, he first toured Joe's house and admired how well it had turned out. Then he spent time at his house making lists of what needed to be done as well as inventorying building supplies, supplies he would need in the house, and items in crates that had arrived and were sitting in the middle of his great room. It was dinnertime before he finished. Lea came to their new house to tell him that dinner was nearly ready.

With a little privacy for a change, Adam pulled her into an embrace and kissed her softly. "A lot more got done than I expected. We might be in our house by Christmas."

"That would be wonderful. Then you would have room to work on drawing plans and such. You really have no place to work except our bedroom now."

"And sometimes I get so distracted when I'm there."

"I like it when you're distracted from your work. You wouldn't want to be a dull boy with no play, now would you?"

"Not at all, but it will be nice to have a private place where not everyone knows when we're playing. Once I get the stove in the kitchen and washroom and the stoves in the bedrooms, we can come over here and spend the day whenever we want. I'll be working here most days, but it would be nice to have you and Abel here too. There's no danger in what's left to do. I have to mostly get stovepipes installed. Then I have to plaster the walls, put in the wood trim and cabinets, and finish the floors. You can work on the finishing touches like curtains. Maybe you and Alice could work together on that?"

"I'd like that. I'll talk with her. We could get a lot more done with two of us to watch the boys. One can take care of the boys while the other works."

"I've been meaning to ask you. You said you were late and might be carrying another child. It's almost three months now. Are you sure?"

"I am sure, but this time is different than with Abel. I have a bad cramping pain every now and then. When I said something to Doctor Martin, he checked me over and said he wasn't sure why I was having those because everything seems normal."

"Why didn't you say something to me sooner about that?"

"I had other things on my mind, and the doctor said there was nothing to worry about."

"No, he said he wasn't sure why you were having those pains. Something could be wrong."

"Adam, don't worry too much. Paul said I should relax and try to be calm. If you get all worried and anxious about it, then I won't be able to relax."

"All right. I'll do my best." But Adam was worried because one of his recurring fears was that something terrible would happen now. He was afraid to enjoy his life too much because he had learned how quickly it could be snatched away from him. As he sat down to dinner later, he couldn't help but notice that it was his father who looked the most worried. He was determined that it was time that he find a way to talk with him. The opportunity presented itself after dinner when Ben grabbed his coat and his pipe before heading outside. Adam found him standing at the edge of the porch with his unlit pipe.

"Just needed to get away from all the hustle and bustle inside?"

Startled a bit because he had been lost in thought, Ben responded simply. "I guess so."

Standing next to his father for a time and staring up at the stars the way his father seemed transfixed, Adam began to name the constellations. "Pa, you know no matter where I've been, it has always been some comfort to me to be able to see the same constellations my family could see. I'm so glad you taught them to me when I was young."

"Yes, and then you taught them to Joseph, and now I suppose you'll teach them to Abel too."

"Probably, but first I think he needs to learn how to talk. He started early but it doesn't seem that he has added many words since then except for that constant babble he has."

"You were like that a lot at that age."

Surprised by that, Adam only had one comment. "Really? I thought you said I was quiet as a child?"

"Oh, you were eventually. I guess losing your mother and then your nurse, and being dragged from place to place made you a bit wary of everything as time went on because you never knew when it would all change again. Abel and Joey have such a pleasant life in comparison. My sons never had it so comfortable and warm especially you and Hoss."

"Hoss is fine. He doesn't remember any home other than this one."

"And you? Did I put that wanderlust in you that made you have to leave and then end up in such a terrible ordeal?"

"Pa, you can't blame yourself for any of that. Life is full of surprises. I guess what I learned was to appreciate what I had knowing I can lose it rather quickly."

"And then Lea's father had to save you. I couldn't do anything. I should have been more overjoyed than anything when you came home, but overshadowing it all was how helpless I was to help my son."

"You did a lot more than you think. You gave me the courage and the strength to hang on. Many times I remembered you saying that where there was life, there was hope. Without that, I might have given up. I got close sometimes, but the thought of what you would think of me if I did helped to keep me going."

"But then you came home so hurt, and it was your brothers who came up with a solution."

"Pa, you did your part too. I never would have believed that Hoss was seriously injured if you hadn't been so worried. I had to take over that drive then and leave Joe here to help."

"Does it bother you that we tricked you?"

Thinking for a time, Adam tried again to explain that. "I wanted to be upset. You know how much I hate being manipulated like that, but I know that the motives were completely unselfish and that the whole plan was well-conceived. Besides, it worked just like you all hoped it would. I was able to talk about what happened. It was a relief to finally get it out there."

"Are you ever going to tell us what happened to you over those six months?"

Shaking his head, Adam had the same answer he had originally. "No, I don't think so. I don't think I want to see the expressions on your faces if I would describe some of those things. If at all possible, I would like to banish those memories rather than share them."

"Are they banished?"

"For now and perhaps for good. I don't know yet, but I've had no nightmares for weeks now so maybe. Now that part of your worries was there before I left on the drive. But now I sense there's more going on. I've come clean on my concerns, so what else is bothering you?"

Looking up at the stars, Ben had only one comment. "It seems I have no dreams any more."

Standing silently for a time, Adam thought about what his father had said. His father had sailed the seas as a young man, married, had a son, been widowed, and began a trek across the country. He had married again, had another son, lost another wife, and found the land that was to become the Ponderosa. Then they had fought, worked, and suffered to build the ranch up, he had married and lost again but had been blessed with a third son. They had struggled more and had to defend what they had built, but in the end, they had a prosperous large ranch that could support the entire family with ease. "Pa, what more do you want from life?"

"Adam, I'm not sure I can put it into words. I feel a restlessness I haven't felt in some time. I have a desire to do something new, something special. You went to see things you had dreamed about. You took a big chance marrying Lea, but now the two of you are home and Abel is a delight. Joe and Alice have suffered through some bad times too but now they have Joey. Within a few days, Joe will move into his new home. You said at dinner that you thought you could be in your house before Christmas, and soon you'll get your horse breeding operation and your architecture business started. Hoss wants to go down to Texas to get some longhorn bulls. He wants to cross them with the red polls he got to see if he can get meaty cattle without horns but tough enough to survive our winters and the sparse feed during droughts."

"He could get a skinny, picky eater with long horns though."

That started Ben laughing. Adam always had a way of making even the most serious subject lighter in tone. Ben supposed it was because heartfelt emotions were often difficult for his eldest son to express. "I suppose he could. I can just picture him in my mind if that happened. Dadburnit!"

"Pa, it's never too late for dreams. If you decide to think about it, I'm sure that you'll come up with something new that you can do. Meanwhile, Katherine and her friend are coming for a visit. That should cheer you up some. I was surprised in Roseville. I had no idea that Katherine had that much character. I guess I never really knew her that well." And Adam proceeded to tell his father about being jailed in Roseville and how Katherine got him released. "She stood up to that sheriff like he was a saddle tramp begging for a meal and a place to stay. She must be a foot shorter than the man but she looked down on him anyway."

Laughing again, Ben nodded. "She is quite a woman. It will be nice to have her visit. We can talk about old times and catch up on the past five years. Thank you for inviting her. I'm looking forward to that. I'm also very glad to have you home."

"It was only a six week drive, Pa."

"No, I mean from your longer journey. When you left, I wasn't sure you would ever come back."

"Pa, you've said that a tree only has one tap root. Mine is here. If I ever leave again to travel, I'll be back. This is my home, my family. I could never leave and not come back."

Nodding, Ben placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "We better get back inside. I would imagine that your brothers are worried because we were out here talking for so long."

The next day was for Joe's move into his new home. There was going to be activity all day long with Lea watching over the two toddlers as the others worked. Ben was the only one not dressed for work at breakfast.

"Hey, Pa, ya can't be helping shortshanks moving into his new house dressed like that."

"I know, Hoss, he's all dandied up for some reason."

Hoss and Joe snickered at their own attempts at humor. Adam simply shook his head and waited for his father's response.

"Well, Joseph, I thought that you had this move all organized and wouldn't need your pa to help you, but if you feel you're not capable of handling it, I guess I could change my plans for the day to take care of it for you."

That had Joe sputtering. "Well, no, Pa, it's just that we don't usually see you all dressed up on a Friday morning."

Hoss knew better than to get into a verbal battle of one-upmanship with his father. He dug into his flapjacks, eggs, bacon, and ham with gusto before doing his best to change the subject. "Hop Sing shur outdone himself this morning. This is a meal fit for a king."

"Well, I'm sure Hop Sing knew you would need the energy today for the big move. Now I need to get going. Katherine is due in on the morning stage, and I don't want to be late." Setting aside his napkin, Ben moved quickly to stand and head for the front door. He was as nervous and excited as he had felt for a long time. He agreed with Adam that this visit by Katherine was just what he needed to take his mind off more maudlin matters.

At the breakfast table, the rest of the family discussed the patriarch of the Ponderosa. They were happy to see how more alive he had seemed that morning.

"I don't know what you said to Pa last night, Adam, but it shur seems to have done him some good. He's been kinda moping around here for quite a while. I don't think I've seen him smile that much . . . in a long time." Hoss had been going to say that he hadn't seen him smile that much since before Adam left, but he didn't want to remind his older brother of more difficult times either. He was rather hoping that the whole family was on the rebound. At the moment, it was his father who needed some support.

When Ben got to town, he was greeted by Sheriff Coffee who was sitting on the bench outside the stage depot. Roy liked to see who was arriving in town and rarely missed a stage arrival. "Well, Ben, you leaving or meeting somebody important? I ain't seen you in such fancy duds for quite a spell." Roy saw an energy in Ben that he hadn't seen in some time either.

"Now you sound like Hoss. I do dress up on occasion."

"I didn't mean to sound critical. I was jest saying as how you liked mighty good."

"Thank you, Roy. Adam invited Katherine Saunders to come for a visit. She and a traveling companion should be here on this stage. I'm looking forward to seeing her again."

Any further conversation was halted with the stage barreling down the street. "Durn fool. He can be an hour or more late, but he always brings that stage in here like he's been pushing hard the whole time. I'm gonna have another talk with him."

As the stage halted in front of the depot, Roy waited with a stern expression to talk with the driver. As soon as he set the step by the stage door, Roy hustled him away for a lecture on public safety. Ben pulled the stage door open, and first to exit was a young woman about the same height as Lea but with dark hair and eyes. Next was Katherine. When she stepped down from the stage, it seemed so natural for her to go into Ben's embrace. For the two of them, the years and the troubles of the past melted away, and they shared a gentle kiss.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"Oh, Ben, let me introduce you to my traveling companion. Adam was so kind to invite her as well. Her name is Maureen Fourier but everyone calls her Mo. Mo, this is Ben Cartwright, a finer gentleman has never lived."

Slightly taken aback by Mo's last name, Ben recovered quickly and was gracious. "I'm very pleased to meet you." Ben took Mo's hand. "I hope that you will enjoy staying with us on the Ponderosa. There's quite a bit going on today because my son Joseph is moving his family to his new house. By tomorrow, things should be more normal."

After collecting the luggage, Ben helped the ladies into the carriage. Katherine sat beside him and Mo leaned forward from the back to see as much as she could see. Ben didn't know much of her history but had to assume she had spent little or no time in the mountains for she seemed to have a fascination with everything there. He took the wide swing as he drove to the house. He knew there would be a lot of hustle and bustle at the house with Joe's move so the longer he took, the quieter it would be once he got back. It also gave him the opportunity to show the lake view to Katherine who had missed it and Mo who was in awe of it when she saw it.

"It's like a jewel in an exquisite setting. I've never seen anything so beautiful."

"You can see it every day that you're here. The weather is getting cooler and some of the leaves are already turning color. The yellows with the green of the pines and the blue water is even more magnificent."

"Is that snow up on the mountains already?"

"Yes, but it's not already. There can be snow up at those heights at any time. As we get closer to winter, there is snow all the time."

"It must be beautiful here in winter."

"It is, but Katherine can also tell you that many preparations must be made. Lots of wood has to be cut and stacked, supplies stockpiled, and buildings readied for the storms. Sometimes we're snowed in for a time and have to be ready for that."

Sitting quietly and listening to the conversation, Katherine was enjoying the view and hearing Ben's voice. His voice was rich and full of life. She suddenly realized how much she had missed it. She let the sound of his voice and the beauty of the scenery bring serenity. For the first time in five years, she felt at peace. So many things that had been in her thoughts were more clear now. She hoped that Ben felt the same way.

By the time they got to the Ponderosa, it was very quiet at the main house. Ben carried luggage up to the bedrooms recently vacated and apologized for their spartan condition. "We'll have them ready for you by this evening. Hop Sing is wonderful at organizing such things. He may complain a lot about all the work we give him, but he is a treasure to this family. Mo, you'll meet him soon. Please remember that he is as much a part of this family as my sons, their wives, and my grandsons."

Coming down the hallway with clean linens, blankets, and comforters stacked in his arms, Hop Sing heard what Ben said and waited a reasonable length of time so it would not appear that he had been eavesdropping. He came into the bedroom where Ben was standing with the two ladies and was introduced. "I fix rooms up fine for you. No problem. Missy Katherine and Missy Mo honored guests. I fix special dinner just for you."

Katherine remembered Hop Sing fondly and remembered too that he had wonderful culinary skills. "Thank you, Hop Sing. I'm looking forward to having the best meal in the west. I'm sorry that we have added so much work. I know how busy you are with this growing family. If there is anything we can do, please ask. I know how to work."

"I thank you, but Missy Katherine and Missy Mo guests; no work."

Next Ben showed Mo to a room next door to that one. She was surprised that she would have her own room. "Now that Joe is in his own home again, we have plenty of room. Adam and Lea with their son Abel have the two rooms at the end of this hall. Hoss has the first room at the top of the stairs, and I have the room next to him. We have one more downstairs if we need it." Ben had hardly stopped speaking when Hop Sing showed up with two bowls, two pitchers of water, and two towels. Ben helped him set one on the dresser in the room for Mo and then carried the other to Katherine's room across the hall. "I'll let you ladies freshen up then. Hop Sing will bring you anything else you need right now. By this evening, we'll have lamps and other items in the room as well." As Ben walked down the stairs, he was smiling. It felt good to have something to do, and spending time with Katherine promised to be very good. He hoped that Hoss or Candy would agree to escort Mo on a tour of the Ponderosa on Saturday so that he could have Katherine all to himself. He surprised himself by thinking that way though. It was as if all the troubles over Eden had slid into the background. He knew they would have to talk about it sometime, but hoped they could put that behind them. He had done what he could to help the young man, but Eden simply had been too far gone with his bad choices. There was no help for Eden by the time Ben was involved.

By the middle of the afternoon, Lea was back with Abel who needed a nap. When she was introduced to the ladies, she blanched at the Fourier name but said nothing more than that Abel needed a nap and she would sit with him. Adam came in later in the afternoon. Ben introduced him to Mo and of course he said hello to Katherine. He showed no outward sign of emotion but asked where Lea was before heading upstairs to join her. Ben had expected a reaction like that and wondered how much of a problem it would be.

"Mr. Cartwright, is there some problem with me being here? Your son and his wife seem to be a bit unhappy about it."

"Oh, there's no problem at all."

"Ben, I know Adam and you better than that. Mo is correct in her assessment. Why don't you just tell us what's wrong?"

Hesitant to say anything because he was afraid of betraying any of Adam's confidence, Ben hesitated, but Katherine eased that somewhat.

"Does it have to do with the trouble he had in Italy and France?" At Ben's surprised look, Katherine smiled. "He told me a short story of six months that were apparently quite unpleasant for him. He offered no details, but I can imagine some of what happened."

"All I can say is that the woman who got them in trouble by asking Lea to carry some letters to Italy was a Madame Fourier."

Mo took a deep breath. "So I opened up a lot of unpleasant memories for them, is that it?"

"That's about it."

"Would it help if I explain that my family is from Louisiana, south of New Orleans, and originally from Acadia? My father came to California in the rush for gold. We have never been to France. My family has been in Canada and America for over a hundred years."

Coming down the stairs, Adam heard what Mo said. "I'm sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable. It was just the surprise of it. We're fine. You don't owe us any explanation."

"No, I don't mind, and it may help put your mind at ease. My father died in the gold fields. He got sick, and no one took the time to help him. My mother was a talented cook so she supported us with a small restaurant. Some drunken men came in one night and demanded the money. It was all we had so she refused. One of them hit her. She fell and they kicked her when she was down. It wasn't a terrible kick or anything but she bled inside. No one even knew it until the next day. By then it was too late. I was fifteen and on my own. I worked in the saloons because I was tall enough. After five years of that, I might have been forced into a marriage, but Katherine took me in. I've been with her ever since. I'm twenty-five now, and Fourier is simply my father's name. I'm sorry that it upset you."

"I apologize if our responses made you ill at ease. As I said, we're fine. It was just the surprise of it. There is no need for you to be apologetic."

"Mo, Adam means what he says. You don't have to feel badly about what happened."

Before any more could be said, Hop Sing announced that dinner was almost ready. Adam said he would go tell Hoss if Ben would go up and tell Lea. Within a short time, Hoss and Adam were back. Apparently, Adam had described Mo to Hoss because he was looking around for her as soon as he entered the house but saw Katherine first.

"Hoss, so good to see you."

"Katherine, you're a sight for sore eyes. I ain't seen so many pretty women ever in my life as I've seen already today, and Adam tells me you done brought another one with you."

"Yes, Mo went with your father to talk to Lea. They'll be down shortly."

When Mo and Ben came down the stairs, Adam had to poke Hoss in the arm. "Shut your mouth before you start drooling. Remember, now, be polite so you don't scare her off."

Mo greeted Hoss as she had greeted Ben and then Adam. She was polite but there was no warmth. Adam wondered at her lack of affect, and thought that at some point he would ask Katherine about that. Otherwise the evening went well with plans for everyone to go to see Joe's new home in the morning and help as needed. Then Ben planned to take Katherine for a carriage ride and asked if Hoss could escort Mo.

"That's all right, Mr. Cartwright. I can stay here and get some things done. I don't need to be entertained."

Hoss looked disappointed in that, but Ben thought that perhaps it was all too new for Mo so he agreed that she could do whatever she wished the next day. Hoss tried to interest her in a few things, but she found an excuse why each one wasn't necessary or desirable until he gave up. He said he was going up to bed soon after as he had had a busy day helping Joe move and then arrange things in his house. Adam and Lea said good night for the same reason and headed upstairs with Abel. Mo excused herself as well as soon as the others were out of sight.

"Well, Katherine, would you like a brandy before bedtime?"

"I would enjoy that, Ben. Perhaps we could even put on our coats and take a look at the stars? The sky is always so beautiful up here."

"Well, we could try, but I'm afraid that clouds have rolled in, and we won't be seeing any stars tonight. Perhaps tomorrow night, but tonight, how about we sit by the fire. We have a lot to talk about."

"Yes, we do. I would like to talk about the present first, though, if you don't mind. I thought that your family might be just the thing for Mo, but I'm afraid that she still sees all men much the same."

"I noticed that. She's polite and gracious, but seems to keep herself distanced physically as well as in her conversation."

"She had a few bad experiences in the saloons. She really had standards that were much higher than the usual saloon girl. She didn't like them touching her and kissing her. If they went too far, she objected strenuously. It caused her to be hit a few times, and sometimes forced to do things she didn't want to do. The last time, several men had to pull a man off of her. He beat her terribly first though. That's when I got involved. She was twenty and unlikely to make it to twenty-one the way things were going. I had just arrived in Roseville. No one there had thought to try to help her. I was the first and only one to offer her a refuge. Now she doesn't trust men at all, but at the same time, she will do almost anything a man orders her to do because for five years, it was her only way to survive. It really is a difficult situation."

"You thought that perhaps being around decent men here might get her to see that not all men are like that."

"Oh, I think she knows that, but she doesn't feel it. When men try to get close to her, fear takes over. You saw how she was with Hoss. Dear Hoss was trying so hard, and she just turned aside every overture. I don't know what to do. She can't always live with me. She needs to have a real life."

"If she needs a kind man to show her that not all men are like those who mistreated her, then Hoss is the one. He knows how to gentle almost anything. He won't give up either. I saw him work with a kitten that hissed, scratched, and tried to bite him every time he wanted to feed her."

"And what happened?"

"Nicest darn barn cat we ever had. Hoss felt very badly when she got sick and died. But that cat was devoted to him. She knew he loved her."

"Mo isn't a kitten."

"No, but the same methods work whether it's a scared kitten or a hurting woman. Kindness, gentleness, and caring make all the difference in the world, and Hoss has a man sized amount of each of those that he is willing to give."

"Well then I guess the best solution is to get them together somehow. I don't know if it will work though because Mo is rather stubborn sometimes."

"Katherine, surely you haven't forgotten that Cartwright stubbornness?" Ben smiled and offered Katherine his arm. "We should get some rest. It looks like we have a lot of work to do."

Ben and Katherine went to their beds that night with pleasant thoughts and a feeling of peacefulness neither had felt in quite some time. Adam however was tossing and turning in his sleep. Finally in the midst of one of the bad dreams, he slipped out of bed and stood by the window staring out at the moonlit landscape. The worst memories he had left were from that French jail and then the prison ship. He didn't know how to share those memories with anyone. Those experiences had affected how he thought about himself as well as how much he could respect himself. There was some loathing and self-doubt tied up in those memories which made them difficult to face. As he stood there, he felt cool hands touch his neck that was wet with perspiration.

"A nightmare?"

Reaching around to pull Lea into an embrace. "I'm sorry for waking you. I know you had a long day yesterday."

"You had a long day too. Now answer my question."

"More a bad dream than a nightmare."

"Adam, you need to find a way to get the rest of those memories out. You can't keep holding it all in. I know it was a surprise to hear that name spoken in your own home, but it shouldn't have had this impact. It's all the things you're holding back that are bursting to get out."

"Let's go back to bed. It's a little chilly standing here."

"Perhaps we can find something to do to warm up and take your mind off your dreams."

"I don't want you to feel you have to."

"Oh, I have to, I have to, but not just for that."

And Adam knew that if he could see her face, she would be grinning at her own cleverness, but he did like the way she thought so he let her lead him back to their bed. With the lovemaking and Lea in his embrace afterwards, Adam was able to fall asleep without any more dreams of rough hands groping and grasping in the night.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The next morning at breakfast, it was clear that Adam had not slept well and Lea looked almost as tired. Everyone at the table noticed and each thought they knew why. After breakfast, the entire group walked to Joe's new house to see if they could help and also to get a look at the house after Joe and Alice had a chance to make it look more like a home. Joe asked Hoss to stay to help move a few pieces of furniture, and Hoss cocked his head at Mo when only Joe could see. Before the group left to see the progress on Adam's new house, Joe made the request that Hoss wanted even if Joe didn't entirely understand why it was important.

"Mo, could you stay and help too? Alice could use a bit of help in Joey's room, and I think the two of you could move his small bed and dresser. That way the two of you can catch up to the others quickly."

It didn't take long to move the items that Joe and Alice wanted moved so Hoss and Mo were free to walk to Adam's house in less than a half hour. It was clear to Hoss that Mo was uncomfortable in his presence. He liked her but thought she seemed like a deer who had sniffed a cougar or a bear. She was nervous so he tried his best to soothe her fears.

"Ma'am, I may be big and not so good to look at, but I would never hurt ya. I could never hurt a woman. Please believe me. Katherine would never trusted you to walk with me if she had any worries. Ya gotta know that. So if she thinks you're safe with me, then ya gotta know ya are."

Mo paused before saying anything. "My experience has been that men seem to be just like that until they want something. My father seemed like a good father but he abandoned us to chase after gold. The men who killed my mother were probably just like all the other men until they had something to drink and wanted some money. The men in the saloon were nice too until they wanted something I didn't want to give, and then they were insulting and mean. Katherine thought her son was good too until she knew better. She's told me all about that."

"I'm real sorry that you've only met those kind of men. Ain't nobody in my family like that. Fact is, we wouldn't put up with anybody like that on the Ponderosa. You gotta know that men here in Nevada respect women and treat em proper. You should talk to Katherine about what she thinks of the men in my family and around here. You don't have to take my word for it."

Mo was quiet, but she wasn't at all sure about what he had said although he did seem sincere. She walked beside him but was still wary. As they neared Adam's house, Hoss thought he heard something. He told her to wait and he went into the trees returning with a small hawk with an injured wing. He had wrapped his handkerchief around its head.

"Are you going to kill it?"

Completely affronted by that question, Hoss could only respond with his heart. "No, of course not. I'm gonna try to make it better. Hop Sing better not find out though cause these little hawks steal baby chickens some times. I do try to make sure the chicken coop is tight whenever there's little ones around cause they can get out of the tiniest holes, and it ain't safe for em outside the coop."

Entranced by Hoss and the hawk, for a little while, Mo forgot to be wary. She stepped close to Hoss. "Can I touch it?"

"Sure ya can. Just be real gentle and move real slow. Put your hand on its back and slide it down slowly toward the tail, but don't touch that wing cause I think it might be broke some."

"It's so soft. I always thought hawks were dangerous."

"Well, ya see, that's why I put my handkerchief over its head. They always calm down when ya do that. I cain't take him into Adam's house so why don't you go inside and tell em that I gotta go take care of something."

"Oh, would you wait. I want to see what you do with him. Maybe I could help?"

Smiling, Hoss nodded. "His house is only through the trees right there. I'll walk with ya to the yard, and then you can go in and tell em. Be careful now cause there's wood and tools and such in front that Adam needs yet."

Walking nimbly around the obstacles, Mo went inside to tell Katherine that she was going with Hoss to take care of an injured bird. Ben and Adam weren't at all surprised although Katherine was. After Mo left, Lea asked why.

"As far as I know, she hasn't been in the company of a man without me or another women being there for the past five years. She hasn't trusted any man since she was hurt so badly by that last one. She usually sees only the bad side. For her to trust Hoss enough to go with him without me or another woman with her is amazing to me."

"Was that man punished for what he did?" Lea hoped so but doubted that justice had prevailed or Mo would feel better about it by now.

"Well he spent some time in jail, and other men in the community gave him a good thrashing when he got out. He left town. But at the same time, they seemed to blame Mo. They thought she brought it on herself. Sometimes I think she fears that man is still out there and could do her harm. She has bad dreams. I've told her to write down her bad dreams. She needs to get those fears out and face them, but she won't. The girl is stubborn."

Looking at Adam, Lea was hopeful. "Maybe you could do that. You've told me that you wrote journals when you were younger. Maybe you should try it again?"

"Not here. Not now." Adam was upset that Lea had brought the subject up with Katherine there as well as Ben. Ben saw the warning signs, but Katherine didn't.

"I remember that you wrote so well, Adam. I like Lea's idea. Why don't you?"

"We didn't come over here to discuss me. Now do you want a tour of the house or don't you?"

Despite knowing that he was moving into dangerous territory, Ben would not let Adam's rudeness to Katherine go lightly. "Adam, you shouldn't be so rude to our guest. You were the one who invited Katherine. The least you could do is to be polite to her."

"And I don't need any more lectures either. I think I'll go to town. There are some supplies I need. I'll see all of you later." Adam stalked out of the house and headed to the stable.

"Oh no, it seems I stepped into it that time. I had no idea that was such a touchy subject."

As Lea comforted Abel who was upset by his father's angry words, Ben tried to soothe Katherine's concerns too. "Adam had a very difficult time. I think you know the bare bones of the story, but I can tell you that what you have imagined is probably only a fraction of what he suffered. He can't even bring himself to tell us what he endured. He's still recovering, and I should have known better than to push him into a corner like I did. I should have known he would come out swinging."

"He looks fine."

"He didn't when he got here. He was thin and looked haunted. He had terrible nightmares and was exhausted much of the time. The nightmares seem to have been banished, but the terrible memories are still there."

Lea joined the conversation then. "He hasn't told everything. He may have told the men on that drive a lot of what happened, but I think it was the physical torture and the abuse and deprivation that he described. There are some other things he won't talk about to anyone. He doesn't have nightmares but he still has bad dreams that interrupt his sleep."

Suddenly Ben understood the short temper Adam had exhibited. "He was surprised to hear the Fourier name yesterday. So, last night was one of those nights of bad dreams, wasn't it? He's tired today on top of everything else."

Nodding, Lea sighed deeply. "We shouldn't talk about it too much when he isn't here. You know how much he dislikes that too. But I do like Katherine's idea, and I'll suggest it again when he isn't so on edge."

"I'll try to be careful what I say today. I'll let Hoss and Joe know too that today is not a good day to push him at all."

At the stable, Hoss hadn't gotten the warning of course. "Hey, Adam, what's wrong with you anyhow? I thought you were showing your house to Pa and Katherine."

"Nothing is wrong with me. It would be nice if everyone would just leave me alone." Ignoring the hawk and moving to saddle Sport, Adam made it clear he wasn't in the mood for conversation by keeping his back to Hoss. After he rode out, Mo looked over at Hoss.

"That's what I mean. Men can seem just fine, but as soon as things don't go their way, they get nasty."

"Don't go being too hard on Adam. He's had a real bad time of it. He's still got a ways to go, I guess. He looks all healthy and all, but inside, he's still hurting. I wish there was some way to help him, but none of us got any idea how."

Mo knew very little of Adam's story, so Hoss filled in as much as he knew. "So ya see, he's got the right to get a bit upset now and then. He's had a rough go. You ain't the only one done run into some evil in your life. I'd like to see him the way he was, and mostly he is, but there's still something wrong. I know it. I wish I could find a way to help him."

Hoss had broken through some of Mo's barriers already. She couldn't yet reconcile the large man and his large presence with his speech and actions that were all kind and gentle. "Do you try to help everyone who is hurting?"

"Ifn I can. Sometimes there ain't nothing can be done. That bothers me some."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, just a few days ago, we had a cow that was calving. Now that was awful late in the season and we was gonna keep that cow and calf in the stable for the winter so I had her up here near us. We went out one morning and found that the calf was stuck coming out and probably had been most of the night. We worked and pulled that calf out, but it was too late for it. Now the whole thing had caused some hurt and some real strain on that cow. She was suffering a lot and couldn't stand or nothing. I tried everything I knew how to do, but she was hurting. Wasn't nothing to do but end her suffering." Just thinking about that had Hoss tearing up. He hated to see a creature suffer, and not to be able to help made it much worse. Mo could see that in him. He was busy finding leather strips to tie the hawk to a perch that he had fashioned. Then he moved to an empty stall to put the perch in but couldn't do it with one hand.

"May I hold the hawk while you do that?"

"Well that would be a big help. Here, take the leather off my wrist and put it on yours. Yeah, you done it just right. Now you just let it sit there then."

Smiling at Mo because of her concern for the hawk, Hoss bent down to place the perch. As he worked, he continued to talk because the hawk seemed to be calm with their voices. Then once the perch was secured, he guided Mo to transfer the hawk to the perch before securing it there with the leather strips. He left the handkerchief over its head to keep it calm until it got used to its temporary home.

"Would you like to take a walk and see what else we got around here?"

"Yes, I think I would like that."

The walk didn't happen. They heard Ben calling for Hoss and began to run toward Adam's new house. The tone of Ben's call left no doubt that something was wrong. When they met the others outside of Adam's house, Katherine was holding Abel who was crying and reaching out to his mother who was laying on the ground in a fetal position. Ben knelt by Lea's side.

"Lea, can you tell me what's wrong?"

In between gasping for breath and grimacing in pain, Lea tried to explain. Finally the others understood that she was with child, and something had gone very wrong. Ben asked Hoss to pick her up and take her to the house. As gently as he could, Hoss slipped his arms beneath Lea and lifted her. Mo helped by holding her legs up as she continually pushed them about because of the pain she was in. It took some effort to get her to the house and into the downstairs guest room. By that time, blood and other fluids were staining her dress.

"Pa, you know she's miscarrying, don't you?"

"Yes, I know. Hoss, I'll get someone to ride for the doctor. I'll go find Adam. You do what you can for her."

With towels in hand, Hop Sing was there too, and he and Hoss began to place large towels under Lea. Mo was there and told the two men to leave so she could remove Lea's dress and other garments. As Katherine sat on the settee and attempted to soothe Abel, Hop Sing went to get one of Lea's gowns and some clean sheets and blankets. It was likely going to be a very messy time. Everyone it seemed was whispering a prayer as they did what they could. Hoss stepped outside and saw several of the men standing at the bunkhouse door. He asked one of them to please go to Joe's house and tell them that Lea needed a doctor. Of course, it didn't take long for Joe and Alice to get to the house. Joey's presence helped calm Abel down as he and Joey were devoted to each other. Alice went to sit with Lea, and then all they could do was wait.

The doctor arrived well before Adam returned. Adam had gone the long way to town in order to settle himself down. He knew he had overreacted and owed apologies. Somehow these memories unsettled him so much that he spoke and acted without thought which just wasn't like him. By the time he rode into town, he saw his father's horse tethered near Sheriff Coffee's office and knew immediately that something was terribly wrong. He rode there, dismounted, and in just a minute, Roy was there to tell him what had happened. Adam raced out of town without waiting for his father's return. A great fear of his was that something bad would happen to Lea or Abel, and now it seemed it might actually be happening.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

As Adam raced into the yard of the Ponderosa, Candy saw him and grabbed Sport's reins. "I'll take care of him. You go see your wife." Grateful beyond words, Adam simply ran to the house as Candy led a lathered Sport to the stable. Once inside, there was nothing Adam could do to see Lea. Doctor Martin and Alice were with her and everyone else was waiting for news. Abel immediately saw his father and wanted him.

"Papa, Papa." With arms outstretched, Abel struggled to leave his uncle's hold and go to Adam.

"It's all right, Hoss. I got him." Adam took Abel who immediately snuggled his head into his father's neck seeking comfort. He didn't know what was wrong but they wouldn't let him see his mother and his father had been gone making him very upset. At least in his father's embrace, he could have some comfort.

"Where's Pa?"

"I'm not sure, Joe. Roy told me why Pa was in town. I left without seeing him. I would think Roy would tell him. He should be home soon enough. I doubt he'll ride like I did. Hoss, how bad is it?"

"Didn't seem too bad. I mean you know that it ain't good, but Lea was able to talk with us, and she was awake the whole time. Never wanted nothing for the pain neither. Alice sat with her until the doc got here, and then he asked her to stay and help."

Holding Abel and rubbing his back gently, Adam sat down in the blue chair that Joe vacated for him. "I'm glad Alice was here for her. I should have been."

"Now Adam, there was no way you had of knowing that this would happen. We go to town all the time to pick up supplies and such. It just happened. Ain't no reason to feel bad about not being here when it started."

"Thanks, Hoss, but you know I left because of my temper. I need to try harder to control it."

"You need to take it easier on yourself. Lea's gonna need your support so you need to buck up and get ready."

Simply nodding in acquiescence, Adam continued to rub Abel's back as the little boy relaxed into sleep. A short time later, Ben came into the house. He walked over to Adam and placed a hand on his shoulder for comfort and support. Katherine moved to Ben's side and gave him a small kiss on the cheek.

"I'll go see about getting some coffee and tea. Hop Sing has been busy running errands. Under the circumstances, I don't think he'll mind a little help in the kitchen."

Mo offered to help, but Katherine said one woman in Hop Sing's kitchen was enough for now. So Mo sat back and continued to study these Cartwrights. Hoss had said they were different from the men she had known, and she was beginning to think he was correct. She saw them give each other comfort and support, and even in his temper, Adam had not hurt anyone but left to get himself under control. He had seemed so intimidating and even a bit frightening to her, but as she watched him tenderly soothe his son, her ideas about him were changing. Joe had his son sleeping on his chest too. It was a family scene unlike anything she had ever seen, and Katherine seemed to fit right in. Mo had seen the tender kiss on the cheek that Katherine had given Ben. She knew a bit about their history, and was somewhat surprised that they seemed to be able to put it all into perspective and move beyond it. She began to think it might be time for her to shed her past and look forward instead of back.

Everyone sat up at least a little when Paul emerged from the guest bedroom. He held his finger over his lips to indicate quiet as he pulled the door closed. "She's going to be fine. She lost quite a bit of blood, but that's slowed down considerably. It may continue for the next several days. She needs lots of fluids and rest. I want her to stay right where she is for two days at least. Then with help, if the bleeding is completely stopped, she can go to her bedroom for the rest of her convalescence. Bed rest or chair rest for six weeks is my prescription."

"Why so long, doctor? I've known women who were up and around the same day when something like this happened."

"Katherine, that's true, but the bleeding was especially heavy. She can't afford to have that happen again. As I said, she'll be fine but she needs to take it very easy and rest. In some ways, this was worse than a delivery. There was some tearing of the womb. I don't know why it happened, but time will heal all of it."

Adam was concerned. "It's going to be difficult to keep her down for six weeks."

"Maybe, but she's also emotionally exhausted. I told her six weeks and got no objections. As she feels better, she may want to become more active sooner, but no lifting or carrying for all of the six weeks even if she does get more active as she improves."

"Can I see her now?"

"Yes, she was asking for you all along, but I thought it best that we take care of the medical concerns without you there. She needs you now though. Keep everything calm and positive."

After handing off Abel to his very willing father, Adam moved quickly to go to Lea. Alice came out after Adam went in. She looked at Joe and asked if they could go to their house. She wanted to clean up, and Joey needed to nurse and then nap. "I'll probably join him. This has been a difficult morning. There's still some bedding and towels in there that need to be taken out if someone could do that please."

"Hoss, can you carry Joey to our house. I want to help Alice. Honey, you look exhausted. Lean on me, and we'll get you home."

Katherine had gone back into the kitchen to help and Ben had Abel in his arms, so Mo volunteered to clear out the soiled linens from the guest bedroom and take them to the washroom. She quietly opened the guest bedroom door after Hoss and Joe left with their charges. She paused as she watched Adam comfort Lea. He was kneeling by the bed so that he was on the same eye level with her. Doctor Martin wanted her flat on her back for the rest of the day so Adam had one his hand clasped with her hand, and with the other hand, he softly stroked her hair and caressed her cheek as he whispered softly to her that everything was going to be all right.

"But I lost our baby."

"Sweetheart, that isn't your fault. Paul said there was something wrong with this right from the start. He said that's probably why you were having those pains."

"But I feel so sad."

"I'm sad too. I wish we could have had that baby, but it wasn't to be. We have Abel, and maybe someday, God will bless us with another child. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Abel needs you. I need you."

"Adam, I love you so much."

"I love you, Lea. I would do anything to make things better for you if I could."

"Just being by my side is enough. Please don't leave me."

"I'll be here as long as you need me. Now close your eyes and try to sleep a little. I know you're tired after last night. I woke you up with my bad dream."

"All right. I'll sleep, if you'll sleep next to me."

Quickly gathering up the linens then, Mo turned to leave. Adam asked if she could please bring in a pitcher of water because he couldn't leave Lea's side. When she returned, Adam poured some into a glass and gently lifted Lea's head so she could sip some. He thanked Mo, and asked then if she would tell the others that Lea was going to try to sleep, and he would stay with her. Once Mo left the room and pulled the door closed, Adam moved around to the other side of the bed, pulled off his boots, and lay beside Lea wrapping an arm around her. She reached up with both hands to grasp his arm, closed her eyes, and fell asleep. Exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally, Adam soon followed. About an hour later, Ben pushed the door open a bit to show Abel that his parents were sleeping. Abel seemed satisfied with that especially when his Uncle Hoss offered to take him to the stable to show him a bird. Mo had to smile at how well Hoss could handle the pint-sized barrel of energy that was Abel. She offered to walk out there with him and was rewarded with a full Hoss grin and twinkling blue eyes. She had somehow never noticed the eyes so much before this, but once she focused in on them, she couldn't stop looking. He had eyes as clear as a spring sky. All he needed was a rainbow. That thought made her smile.

"What's got ya smiling?"

"Oh, I was just thinking that you are as light as a spring day. I never would have guessed it from my first impression of you."

Hoss did one of his bashful aw shucks headshakes then, and Mo wanted to kiss him. The thought surprised her immensely. She had never felt that way about any man, and suddenly in two days, she felt that way about Hoss. Hoss saw the look.

"What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"

Shaking her head at his concern, Mo smiled again. "Not at all. I was just thinking."

"Good, cause if I ever do anything to make you frown, you just tell me, and I'll stop. I like to see ya smiling."

There was that grin of his again and those darn baby blue eyes. She felt like she could fall into those eyes. They were like crystal clear spring water. That made her start smiling again, and she noted how pleased Hoss was because of that. It was interesting to her that he would be pleased because she was happy. That was something else she had never experienced with a man. Hoss might be the only unselfish man on the earth, or he could be correct and men on the Ponderosa and in Virginia City were not at all like the men she had known. If that was true, she never wanted to leave there. Again she frowned as she thought about that, and again, Hoss was concerned.

"Maybe you ought not to think too much. It sure seems to weigh heavy on ya. I think Adam thinks too much too. He might be better off ifn he didn't always think so much."

"You were right about Adam too. I saw how he was with Lea. He was so tender and sweet, and it was just what she needed."

"Aw, ole Adam's got quite the bark, but the only ones he ever bites are them that needs it. He's just a puppy in black clothes otherwise. Sometimes I think he wears them black clothes just to make people think he's kinda dangerous. Course he is dangerous to some but only those who threaten harm to his family and friends. Then he won't back down for nothing."

"You really like him, don't you?"

"Mo, ifn I could pick anybody in the world to be my older brother, I'd pick Adam. There ain't a better one out there anywhere. Stick around for a while. You'll see."

By then, they had reached the empty stall in the stable where Hoss had left the hawk. It was sitting quietly on its perch. Hoss unwrapped a small parcel he had gotten from Hop Sing albeit with a lot of complaining by the little cook. Hop Sing had a softer heart than he ever let on though because he had given Hoss several pieces of beef cut small enough for the hawk to eat. After handing a wide-eyed Abel to Mo, Hoss took the small branch he had grabbed from a tree as they passed it and now put a piece of meat on the end of it. He reached out and took the handkerchief from the hawk's head. That made the bird somewhat agitated, but it was hungry that when Hoss offered the meat, it took it. It took all of it eventually and then sat there staring at them.

"Do you wonder what he's thinking now?"

"Maybe he's wondering why you didn't fix his wing?"

"Nah, ifn it's broke, everything's still right where it should be. The less I do, the better off it will be when I release it. A couple of weeks sitting here should heal it right up. I've taken care of birds before. Compared to some, this one is in pretty good shape."

When Hoss covered the hawk's head again, Mo had to ask why. "Well, otherwise, he might get all excited about what's going on around him and try to get free. Ifn he did that, he could hurt himself worse than he is. With his head covered, he thinks it's night, so he rests. Rest is what he needs so it works out just fine."

"How will you know when he's ready to go?"

"Just like when we fed him today, he'll flap his wings some. When he does it without favoring that one side, we'll know he's healthy again. I hope you're still here when that happens. There ain't nothing better than that feeling of letting a creature that was free go back to it. Makes you feel all good inside."

"I have to tell you, Hoss, that being here has made me feel better inside than I've felt since I was about ten or twelve and thought the world was a pretty nice place. It's good to have that feeling again at least for a little while."

"Aw, Miss Mo, you can feel that way all the time. Ya just gotta be with the right people."

"Who are the right people, Hoss?"

"Aw, heck, you know that already. The people who make you feel good inside."


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

In the house later, Adam woke and stayed by Lea's side watching her sleep. She was pale but her breathing was steady and strong. She seemed a little cool so Adam got out of bed to pull the blanket over her. When he did that, she awakened as well and smiled at him before she remembered what had happened. Then tears threatened to fall again.

"Shh, you need to stay calm."

"But I lost our baby."

"No, we lost our baby. We still have each other and we have Abel. We have a lot we can be thankful to have. We'll get through this. Remember Doctor Martin said everything will heal. Your heart will heal too. Would you like to see Abel? I'm sure by now that he's missing us and wondering what the heck is going on."

With Lea's agreement, Adam went to find Abel. He was with Ben and Katherine but put out his arms to be picked up as soon as he saw Adam. Katherine asked how Lea was doing.

"She's needs a dose of this medicine."

Ben had to agree. "Abel is just what she needs now. I remember when Marie miscarried. Having Little Joe there was a huge comfort to her."

When Adam brought Abel into the room with Lea, he pulled a chair next to the bed and sat Abel on his lap so that Lea could see him, but neither of them would jostle her. She needed rest so Adam was going to make sure she got it. Hop Sing brought in a bowl of warm pudding that he had just made. He handed the pudding bowl and two spoons to Adam. Lea could only have a pillow under her head because Doctor Martin wanted her flat on her back for the time being so Adam or someone would have to feed her.

"You feed family. Make everything all better."

Abel was looking rather suspiciously at the pudding. He didn't like oatmeal or grits and this looked suspiciously like those foods to him. Adam took a spoonful of the pudding and sniffed it. He looked at Abel who was staring at him wondering what he was doing.

"This smells really bad. Should we give it to Mama and see if she'll eat it?" Abel grinned and nodded. Adam held the spoon to Lea's lips but she wouldn't open them. "Now Abel said you had to eat this. Open wide." Lea opened her mouth and ate the pudding before grimacing and making a face like it was the most awful food she had ever had. Then she asked for more. Abel had been laughing at her eating the pudding and then making the face so he was surprised she wanted more. She did the same thing that she had done with the first spoonful, and Abel laughed again.

After about four spoonfuls, Adam asked Abel if he wanted some. He closed his lips up tight. "Now Hop Sing said you were supposed to eat this. Open wide." So Abel opened up and ate the pudding. He liked it and was going to smile but then decided to mimic his mother and make a terrible face. Lea had to chuckle and Adam smiled. Adam continued to feed his wife and son with lots of laughter and smiling by the three of them. Hoss and Mo came into the house after taking a short walk and had to peek into the bedroom to see what all the merriment was about. Then they walked to where Ben and Katherine were seated.

"What's going on in there?"

"Hoss, your older brother made a game of feeding his two charges. It's been good for all of them. They've been like that for at least fifteen minutes."

Hoss gave Mo a rather smug look making her smile. "All right, he's nice."

Ben wondered to what that comment was related. "Who's nice?"

"Pa, Mo was thinking that Adam was kinda scary and maybe not a nice man. I told her she just had to get to know him better. Didn't take long once she was trying."

Katherine had to agree. "Adam will do anything he can to help family and friends. He is the most trustworthy, loyal man anyone could hope to have as a friend. I just wish that I could see him look around at the world without that look of pain in his eyes."

"Life has thrown some terrible things at Adam in the last year. This last one wasn't the worst. He needs to get a break from all of this. I was hoping that he could work on his house and get away from anything troubling, but then this happened. I don't know why my oldest son always seems to have turmoil in his life."

"Probably because he dreams of things he hasn't done and looks for challenges all around him. He is very much his father's son." Katherine smiled at Ben as she said it. She knew he felt he didn't have any dreams or challenges left, but she thought that being the head of this family was both a dream and a challenge. Ben's life had changed, but he hadn't seen that as a step forward yet. She hoped to convince him of it before it was time for her to go. She didn't really want to go. It was so comfortable staying on the Ponderosa, but she had a business to manage, and investments as well. She also was responsible for Mo and wanted to make sure she had a bright future although from the looks Hoss had been giving Mo, perhaps her future was here on the Ponderosa.

For the next week and a half, the days passed quietly. Alice and Joe continued to settle into their new home but often walked to the main house to visit and have dinner with the family. Lea continued to recover especially after she was allowed to go to her own bedroom and spend more of each day sitting in a chair instead of in bed. She could hold Abel only if someone lifted him into her arms and if he was tired so he wasn't so active. Things were going well between Hoss and Mo too as they spent time riding around the Ponderosa. Mo especially liked to ride high on the ridge over the lake. Everything was quite nice until several conversations occurred that stirred things up significantly. The first one was a good stirring up though.

Mo and Hoss had dismounted and were standing and looking out over the lake and to the mountains beyond. Mo knew that California was over those mountains. All of her bad memories were over there too. She had not known the peace and tranquility she felt now could ever be hers. Hoss stood by her side. She knew that he was a healer, a peace maker, and a defender, but he was also funny, smart, and loving. She had seen ample evidence of each over the nearly two weeks that she had been on the Ponderosa.

"Hoss, I have really enjoyed my time here."

Startled to think that Mo was preparing to tell him she was leaving, Hoss turned to her. "You could stay and enjoy more time here. I would like that, and I think maybe you would too."

"Yes, I think I would. Katherine is talking about going home next week. Soon the snow could block the passes and make it very difficult to get home for the winter."

"It's beautiful here in the winter. We got lots a time to be with each other, and there's Christmas, and snowball fights, and making snowmen, and having popcorn and hot chocolate in front of the fire."

Mo closed her eyes and tried to imagine how it would be to live that kind of life. Hoss moved closer and touched her arm.

"Are you all right?"

"Hoss, I'm going to ask you something I've never asked a man. Will you kiss me? Do you want to kiss me?"

"Oh, darling Mo, I've wanted to kiss you from the first day I met you. There's just something about you that makes me want to hold you and protect you. And yes, I want to kiss you, very much." Hoss wrapped his arms around Mo and pulled her into a gentle embrace. Leaning down, he brushed his lips over hers and then kissed her softly.

Mo wrapped her arms as far around Hoss as she could and then rested her head against his chest. "That was very nice. I've never been kissed like that."

"Huh? Kissed on the lips?"

"No, kissed by someone who cared about how I felt about it. Thank you, Hoss. Now, may I kiss you?"

"Darling, that ain't nothing you ever gotta ask me. You can kiss me anytime you want."

The two of them kissed gently again and then with more passion. "Hoss, I don't want to leave here. I never want to go back to California."

"Then don't leave."

"But how can I stay? I have no place to live here and no means of support."

"I been thinking about that cause I didn't want you to leave neither. Lea needs about four more weeks of rest according to the doctor. She can't do no work and no lifting and no carrying. Well, I was thinking that you could work for Lea and Adam. That would be a month you could live here and you'd get paid for it too. Then it would nearly be Christmas, and you could be our guest for that next two weeks until Christmas Day. Adam would be in his new house by then, and there'd be plenty of room."

"But what about after that? You told me we could get snowed in here."

"Well, ifn you were willing and Katherine gives her blessing, I'd like to start courting ya. Now courting should be for six weeks is what I heard, so we could get married on Christmas Day. It would be the best present anybody could ever think to give me."

"Oh, Hoss, this is going so fast. I guess I never thought you would want to marry me. I guess I was thinking of finding decent work somehow so I could stay here. I needed to do that so Katherine wouldn't feel obligated to take care of me any more."

"Darling, you got an answer for me in there somewhere?" Smiling, Hoss hugged her closely.

"Oh, Hoss, yes, yes, that sounds like a wonderful plan, and I would be so happy to be your wife. I think."

"You think? What do you mean?"

"Hoss, I don't know much about being a wife. I haven't really seen much of that. I can't cook. Is that going to be a problem?"

"Nope. My brothers moved out so there's plenty of room for us to live in the house even when we have children."

"Children? I hadn't really thought about that either. We can have children? Have a real family of our own?"

"Darling, that's what a man and a woman do when they get married. They love each other and they have children. You want that, don't ya?"

"Yes, yes, I do, but I never thought about all of that. I guess I hadn't really thought about being married so I never thought about those other things either."

"Well, I'm sure Katherine can talk to you about things."

"Oh, Hoss, when can we tell everyone?"

"Tonight at dinner. I already asked Adam about you helping Lea for a month, and he thought it was a great idea. He's working on the house everyday as much as he can and I been helping him, but we could get a lot more done if someone else helped out more with Lea and with Abel."

That news was met at dinner with calls for a toast. Joe and Adam had to tease Hoss a bit, but he gave it right back to them especially to Adam who teased Hoss about how suddenly it was all happening. When it was just the three brothers and their father sharing some brandy out on the porch after the ladies went to talk about things up in Lea's bedroom because she needed to rest a bit, Hoss tried to get a little tease in again. "Seems to me you got married about a day after asking Lea. I at least have the decency to court Mo."

"Hoss, are you saying what we did was indecent?"

"No, Adam, I never meant to say that. I'm sorry."

"Well don't be, because we were."

Ben nearly spit out his mouthful of brandy with that one, but then the four men roared with laughter. Candy heard them and walked to the porch to find out what all the merriment was. He wasn't surprised.

"Heck, I saw you riding out with her every day. I figured you were gonna ask her soon as you got your courage up."

After Ben poured a brandy for Candy, they toasted again and then Ben passed around cigars. He was as happy as he had been when Joe married and then when he found out that Adam had married. He had waited a long time but all three sons were going to be husbands. Then he got a little somber remembering his conversation with Katherine. She insisted that she had to go back to California.

"Ben, I have a business to run, and investments to manage. I need to go back. By the time I get everything done, it will be too late to travel back here for Christmas. I'm sorry, but that's just the way of it."

Now that Mo was getting married on Christmas Day, Ben hoped that he could convince Katherine to change her mind. They were getting along so well and had put the past to rest, but there was still a wariness about her that he didn't understand. He planned to have another conversation with her now that Mo's plans had changed so dramatically.

That evening as Adam and Lea prepared to go to bed, Adam told Lea that he had hired Mo to help her for a month. The response was about what he had expected.

"Without asking me?"

"You need help, and I need more time to work on our house. Hoss wanted a way for Mo to be able to stay. It seemed like the best idea for everyone."

"But you should have talked to me about it before you did that. You know I like Mo, but I can do more for myself every day. I don't need a full-time helper, and I resent that you did it without consulting me. You promised that we would talk about everything, but lately, you've gone back on your word about that."

"This is the only thing I haven't told you."

"No, there's a lot you haven't told me, and you still have those bad dreams. When are you going to tell me about those?"

"I can't."

No, you won't. You don't think I can handle it, well, I can handle it better than watching you continue to suffer. Why don't you tell me so we can be done with it?" Adam said nothing as he stood staring out the window. "Well, at least, journal it. You have to get it out somehow and if you won't tell me, then write it down. Put it into words. You know you need to do this."

"No, I know no such thing. I want to forget it, but you won't let me."

"It's been a long time. Forgetting isn't working. Will you at least think about doing it my way and putting it all in a journal?"

"I wouldn't want you to read it."

"I would never read your journal unless you said I could. You know you can trust me on that, can't you?"

"I'll think about it, but I won't make any promises."

So that was left unresolved but at least each one had been able to express what was in their hearts and minds. Lea slept better than she had in some time, but was awakened before dawn when Adam had another bad dream. Adam felt tremendous guilt then. He had managed not to blame himself for Lea miscarrying the baby because Doctor Martin said it had never been all right, and that miscarriages under those circumstances were better than having the pregnancy go full term and deliver a stillborn baby or a baby that would die soon after birth. But now when Lea was supposed to be getting rest and staying calm, he had argued with her and then woke her from her sleep all in the same night. He lay looking at the shadows on the ceiling and thinking. Lea rested her head on his shoulder and caressed his chest to let him know she didn't hold any of it against him, but he held it against himself. He knew he had to do something.

"I'll try the journaling."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

Every day, Adam had breakfast, lunch, and dinner with his family. He spent the mornings and afternoons working on the house that he was determined to have ready before Christmas. He wanted to be able to move in during the holiday, and with Hoss' help as well as his father's some times, it looked like he would be able to do it. In the evenings, he would disappear to the new house for an hour or two and often looked tired or even haggard when he returned. After the first couple of times, Ben asked Lea if she knew what he was doing in the evening.

"He's journaling the memories he can't make himself tell us. He's had no bad dreams since he started, but we both think that could be because he's so exhausted by the time he crawls into bed that his mind has no energy left for them."

"Is that why things seem a bit tense between the two of you?"

"Yes, I guess so. I hadn't thought it was so obvious, but I pushed him to do it, and he resents that a bit, I think."

"Sis, he'll get over it. Adam's always hated having to do something that was somebody else's idea, but he knows you did it to help him. He'll be fine with it."

"I hope so, Hoss. I really hope so. I'm feeling better, but he's feeling worse. I would like us to have some time when everything was going well. We've never really had that together yet for any length of time. Once we're in our home, I hope we can have some fun and laugh and sing and do all those other things that are so enjoyable."

As Lea stood to go upstairs, Mo picked up Abel. She would help Lea as much as she was needed, but she would get Abel ready for bed. After a hug and kiss from his mother, Mo would tuck him in so that he would be sleeping by the time Adam got upstairs. Lea didn't want Abel to see his father when he was so emotionally on edge every night. In the morning, Adam would spend time with his son, and sometimes Mo carried him to the new house to visit as well.

The other source of tension in the house was the unsettled future of Ben and Katherine. She was packing to head back to California. She had a business and investments and wasn't ready to give up her self-sufficiency and independence by being a winter guest on the Ponderosa. Ben tried to convince her, but the night before she was scheduled to leave, he conceded.

"I know you have to go, but I very much would like to see you back here when Hoss and Mo get married."

"Ben, I'll try, but you know how difficult travel is, and I still worry that I could be stranded here if I come back for the wedding. I do want to see Mo married, but there are so many other concerns."

"I have a counteroffer if you're interested." Katherine looked up at him expectantly. It was a cool night as they stood on the porch to talk. She had her coat on as well as a scarf around her head and neck. Ben smiled to see her small face framed by all that cloth. "If you'll come back for the wedding, I'll travel with you back to Roseville, and I'll spend the winter there. I don't need to see another Sierra winter that much, and Hoss and Mo can have some privacy for the first months of their marriage. My three boys can handle anything that needs to be done. We could attend concerts and plays. Perhaps we could even make a trip to San Francisco. It would be more convenient for me to travel in the spring when bids are due."

"Enough, Ben, enough. You've convinced me."

"So you'll do it?"

"Of course I will. You've taken my needs into consideration as well as your own. It sounds like a wonderful compromise. We can explore our feelings more and see where we want to go next. I like your plan very much. But what if the snows come early?"

"We can travel north or south to cross the mountains if the passes here are closed. It will take longer, but I'll travel with you. It could be an adventure."

"I think I'd like that. I'd like that very much."

As they turned to go into the house, Adam rounded the corner. He almost didn't see them because he was so preoccupied with his thoughts.

"A penny for your thoughts, Adam."

"I'm sorry, but with my thoughts, I would have to pay you a king's ransom to take them. I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I'll just go inside so I won't disturb you any more."

Ben was worried. Adam looked worse and sounded worse than he had on any previous night. He walked closer to Adam, and his son turned away from him supporting Ben's idea that Adam had been crying. He would never want to let his father see that. "Adam, you might want to reconsider that idea about journaling. If it's letting you sleep, it's only because it's stealing away any energy you have left. You need to talk to someone."

"I can't."

"You won't. There's a difference."

"I need to go inside. I can't do this now."

Frustrated at being unable to help his son, Ben sat down heavily on a chair. Katherine went to his side. "He has to find a way to do this himself. No one can do it for him. You can't. I can't. Not even Hoss has been able to break through. Adam has to break through his own barriers. From what we saw tonight, he has to because they're breaking him. He's smart enough to know that. Trust him."

"I do. I just can't bear to see him suffer so much. He deserves some peace in his life."

"We all do. He'll find it. Lea will help him. She's growing into a formidable woman. She'll help him find his way."

"You're right about that. When I first learned that they were married, I wondered at Adam marrying someone so much younger and less experienced in the world, but she has grown a lot. She is becoming a good match for him. They complement each other."

"Tonight is a big night. I hope she's ready for this."

"Why tonight?"

"You saw how he looked and acted. It looked to me like he's facing a crisis tonight."

Up in his bedroom, Adam saw that Lea had fallen asleep waiting for him. The door to Abel's room was closed so Adam knew he was sleeping. He stripped off his clothes in the near darkness and sat on a chair by the window. He was nearly overcome with emotion and didn't know what to do. Lost in his thoughts, he never heard Lea get up from the bed and walk to his side. Startled a bit, he was a bit brusque with her. "You're supposed to be resting."

"I can't rest when you're like this. Come to the bed with me. I want you by my side while we talk."

"Talk about what?"

"Talk about what's troubling you so. You know you want to tell me, so tell me. You said you couldn't bear to see the look on my face when you told me what had happened to you. Well this is the solution. It's so dark, you won't see my face, but if you could, you would see that I love you and I'm worried sick about you. I need to help you so I can feel better. Does that make sense?"

Letting Lea lead him to the bed, Adam lay on his side and Lea lay facing him. Slowly and in a condensed version, Adam talked about some of the things that had happened to him. He shuddered when telling some parts and felt Lea tense up beside him.

"Now that's not the worst of it, is it? These are the stories you told the drovers, aren't they? Except I guess I got the short version. No, what I want to hear is what is making you sick at heart."

"I can't."

"You can, and I can listen. Now tell me."

"How can I tell you? How can I face you after admitting everything?"

"The same way you do every day. I did some things I shouldn't have done. You accepted that I was genuinely sorry, and you forgave me. I know that if you did anything wrong, you are genuinely sorry, and you deserve forgiveness. That's how I'll look at you. The same way you look at me every day: with love."

"I'm ashamed by what I did. People were hurt by my actions or my failure to act."

"Tell me."

"In that French jail, men tried to get me to do things with them at night. Even when I still had the splints on, they tried." With a laugh that was as much a groan as anything, Adam told her how his splinted arm made a good club. "They would leave me alone because I made so much racket. If you made too much noise, the guards came in with lanterns and gave everyone a whack or two with their clubs. When I made so much noise, they left me alone."

"But why would that make you ashamed?"

"Because then they went after other inmates. They especially liked the new arrivals. The younger ones got the most attention. It's my fault that some of them were used so badly."

"Adam, stop it. You didn't do anything to hurt those men. They got themselves in prison by their actions. Other men abused them, not you."

"But there's more. Lea, sometimes, I wished I could let them near me. I wanted a hug or a friendly touch so much. I wanted to feel wanted and needed. Instead I felt useless and worthless."

"Any decent person in those circumstances would feel the same needs. I know I can't take this pain away from you, but know that I understand and accept what you did. You only did what you had to do, and you only thought the most natural of thoughts in those circumstances."

"There's more. On Devil's Island, there were men who were hungry. Some were sick. I did nothing to help them. When that man walked out into the surf to get himself killed, I watched him go. I envied him his determination to escape that blasted place. I had become an observer of life."

For the next few hours, Adam talked more and more about what had happened offering details and specific instances of things he had mentioned in general earlier. When they heard the clock chime the early morning hour, Adam had to call a halt. "I've talked too much. I'm supposed to be making sure you get your rest, and instead I've kept you up over half the night."

"We can sleep in. Mo will take care of Abel in the morning. He likes her very much, and Hoss will help. You know that."

"But Katherine is leaving tomorrow."

"Her stage doesn't leave until early afternoon. We'll be up in time to say goodbye. Now, do you think you can sleep?"

Pulling Lea into an embrace, Adam whispered his thanks to her and caressed her back as she snuggled into his shoulder. Within minutes, both were asleep due to exhaustion more than anything else. Mo heard Abel the next morning and went into his room to get him. Because there was no response from his parents' bedroom, she had to assume that they were still sleeping. When she carried Abel downstairs, she got the question she expected and answered that as far as she knew, Adam and Lea were still asleep. Both Ben and Katherine hoped that meant they had stayed up talking. It was the only thing left for Adam to do so he could finally banish those awful memories of his past and move forward. Breakfast was relatively quiet except for Abel who loved having four people doting on him more than usual. Then Hoss and Mo took him out to see the hawk again so he was very happy.

By midmorning when Adam came down the stairs, Ben was sitting with Katherine by the fire. They were making the final plans for what the next several months.  
"Good morning, Adam. Katherine and I have some good news to tell you and Lea."

"Lea is still sleeping. We should let her sleep until it's time to say our farewells to Katherine."

"Well, they won't be so much farewells as until next time. Katherine will be back for Christmas, and then I'll travel Roseville with her to spend a few months. From there, I'll go to San Francisco in the spring to talk to the railroads about the next contracts."

"I'm glad you're going to be here for the wedding, Katherine. Mo will be happy about that too."

"We were all planning to go into town and have lunch together before Katherine leaves on the stage. Will you and Lea join us?"

"I'm not sure. Lea is still supposed to be taking it easy. I'll ask her when she wakes, but it might be a good idea because we can stop in to see Doctor Martin too. Does Mo have Abel with her?"

"Yes, she and Hoss have him out in the stable. He does like seeing Hoss feed that hawk."

After Adam left to go to the stable to see his son, Katherine turned to Ben. "I think he talked to Lea last night. He looks exhausted, but he looks more relaxed and at ease than he's looked for some time. Will he tell us if he talked to her?"

"Probably not, but Lea will let us know."

About an hour later, Adam went up to wake Lea. When the two of them came down the stairs, Lea looked at Ben and Hoss, smiled, and nodded. Then they knew. Adam noticed but said nothing nor would he ever talk about this again. He had put the demons to rest and would do nothing to wake them again. The trip to town was pleasant, and the whole family took up quite a bit of room at the restaurant. After Ben bid Katherine goodbye at the stage depot and watched the stage until it passed from view, the family traveled home. That night, Adam and Lea walked to their new home. On the drafting table, there was a leather wrapped journal. Adam started a fire in the fireplace and then tossed the journal in on top of the fire. He stood behind Lea and wrapped his arms around her as they watched it burn. The nightmare was over.


End file.
